What I want is to have in life right now is 1) fun with my kids, 2) connection with my partner, 3) wonder at science as I study, and 4) good times with friends. I have all those things, and I am so thankful for it--it's just all the shitty extra stuff I don't want. Life is never that simple.
1) My kids have been SO happy lately, so much fun. In the past month, my oldest, in particular, has been so full of joy, bringing me so much joy. She is constantly creating things or riding her bike on mini adventures. My baby is chatting away these days, and running around the room singing "Let It Go" repeatedly. My middle has so much love in her heart, regularly expressing it with cards or pictures or journal entries. They are wonderful. I've had a fresh dose of missing them every day they're not here with me. For the most part, joint custody works out great, giving me the breaks that I need as a student and individual. And, if you don't know, I've got this other kid in my life now, a three-year-old boy who is crazy as all get out and will hide behind trees with me and jump out to surprise his mom till the sun goes down. Fun with kids!
2) I've been in a relationship with Kayla for over a year now and moved in with her a few months ago. I enjoy her so much. At the end of our crazy days, it's just me and her. She's not my "girlfriend" or my "paramore" as some have said; she's my partner in every way, and I can't say enough about how good it feels to be in a true partnership with mutual respect and admiration and helpfulness. Plus we have these awesome matching tattoos.
3) This semester I'm taking Microbiology and Organic Chemistry, my final prerequisites for the nursing program. Being a nurse is still this faraway thing, this vague goal that I can't feel right now. But I trust it's coming--a career in which I get to tend to people in such a practical way. In just a few years, I'll be sporting scrubs and stories from the bedside. For now, I get to marvel at the way carbon joins with hydrogen in all these configurations and at the realization that there are bajillions of microscopic organisms all over the place--all this life we can't even see! This world is fascinating!
4) I have not been at a loss for friendships. I've got old friends and new friends to share dinner with, or a movie or brunch or kayaking or a chat at the bus stop or whatever. That be a blessin', y'all.
5) Shitty extra stuff, mainly shitty ex- stuff. Ugh, that guy.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Letting Go, Moving into a Larger World
Posted by Clarissa Pinkola Estes on FB, 4/7/14.....
To let go.
Some have a hard time
letting go of what is no longer,
what cannot be, what is not,
what has never been.
People say
'just let go,
just let go,
just let go'
scattering the platitude like confetti
immediately swept away by any wind.
What is it exactly, this letting go?
No longer allowing the eye
to be caught by the hook...
No longer fastening the lock on the door,
just letting the door swing as it will...
No longer visiting the graves
where there is no love
and no blessing in both directions...
No longer reviewing and reviewing the past,
even the last moment,
as though there will be a test.
There will not be a test, dear soul.
What is it exactly,
this letting go?
Not reading the same chapter over and over
and over and over, futilely attempting
to make the indelible facts be rewritten…
Making new memories of quality
to bathe old scars and new life...
Moving into a larger world
in which the past
is but a dot on the landscape
rather than the only continent in sight.
We all find our ways…
letting go is shaking loose,
letting go is turning
in your great coat, into a new wind
forward into new sky and open road
leaving what cannot be,
and taking all treasure
from the wreck.
Each in her own way.
Each in his own way.
This comes with love. Hang in there. No one deserves to be nailing the hem of their cloak to the crossroad that once was, but that is not now.
Continuan…
dr.e
Dear
Brave Souls: LETTING GO
To let go.
Some have a hard time
letting go of what is no longer,
what cannot be, what is not,
what has never been.
People say
'just let go,
just let go,
just let go'
scattering the platitude like confetti
immediately swept away by any wind.
What is it exactly, this letting go?
No longer allowing the eye
to be caught by the hook...
No longer fastening the lock on the door,
just letting the door swing as it will...
No longer visiting the graves
where there is no love
and no blessing in both directions...
No longer reviewing and reviewing the past,
even the last moment,
as though there will be a test.
There will not be a test, dear soul.
What is it exactly,
this letting go?
Not reading the same chapter over and over
and over and over, futilely attempting
to make the indelible facts be rewritten…
Making new memories of quality
to bathe old scars and new life...
Moving into a larger world
in which the past
is but a dot on the landscape
rather than the only continent in sight.
We all find our ways…
letting go is shaking loose,
letting go is turning
in your great coat, into a new wind
forward into new sky and open road
leaving what cannot be,
and taking all treasure
from the wreck.
Each in her own way.
Each in his own way.
This comes with love. Hang in there. No one deserves to be nailing the hem of their cloak to the crossroad that once was, but that is not now.
Continuan…
dr.e
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Thankslisting 2013
Man, looking back at last year's list of thanks, I remember how depressed I was, pregnant and suddenly faced with planning a divorce. That depression, though, was kind of like a metal spring being pressed down in order for it to bounce up into the air and fulfill its purpose as a spring (by definition a resilient device.) Now it's Thanksgiving 2013, and I am one high-flying spring. This year I AM SO THANKFUL FOR...
1. Betty's birth. Best birth I could possibly imagine. Melanie, Pam, Guina, Anjli. And Betty herself! What a kid. I am thankful for every moment with this sweet baby.
2. My mom & dad. Without hesitation, they welcomed me and my three kids into their home, clearing out space and creating sanctuary during my biggest hour of need.
3. These words from a county Superior Court judge: "I shall restore to you your name, Jenny Ruth Belk." And from the ensuing documents "...held and considered as separate and distinct persons altogether unconnected by any nuptial union or civil contract whatsoever." Then came the dancing in the driveway, and Beyonce's words: "You must not know about me..."
4. My amazingly fantastic magical curious wise joyful loving growing brave and confident kids. They are more than okay; they are living arrows that fly. (Also very thankful for their school teachers.)
5. Rachel. My BFF. A constant support with a Yes-To-Life attitude. Kayaking, rock climbing, tennis, fires, kites, Can you come out to play?
6. Sacred Women's Circle and Authentic Intuitive Movement.
7. Valerie. New York City--so nice, I went there twice. Sit & Wonder. Everything Will Be Okay. Sometimes there are no rules.
8. Favorite haircut ever.
9. David Sacks. This dear friend died way too young. So thankful for his life, so thankful I knew him.
10. Road trip to San Antonio with my kids, my dad, and my sister, Amy. Played Yahtzee with my 92-year-old grandma, took Rosie to get her ears pierced (I, too, got my ears pierced when I was 6-years-old in Texas with my aunt), hung out on the roof, ate tacos for breakfast, sipped on Brown coffee, saw the old family sites and heard the old family stories, reclaimed Belk roots. Texas forever!
11. The increasing ability to recognize bullshit and call it what it is. (Remember that song I wrote, "I will find my voice?" I did.)
12. Kennesaw State University. The time came to pursue my nursing dream after all these years; I began classes in August. I love, love, love being a student again.
13. Kayla. Lucky '13. An unlikely meeting and unexpected love.
Happy Thanksgiving, dear ones! I hope you get an extra dollop of whipped cream on your pumpkin pie. If you're into whipped cream. Maybe you'd rather have an extra pat of butter for your roll, or gravy for your taters. Whatever you love, I wish you bounteous amounts.
1. Betty's birth. Best birth I could possibly imagine. Melanie, Pam, Guina, Anjli. And Betty herself! What a kid. I am thankful for every moment with this sweet baby.
2. My mom & dad. Without hesitation, they welcomed me and my three kids into their home, clearing out space and creating sanctuary during my biggest hour of need.
3. These words from a county Superior Court judge: "I shall restore to you your name, Jenny Ruth Belk." And from the ensuing documents "...held and considered as separate and distinct persons altogether unconnected by any nuptial union or civil contract whatsoever." Then came the dancing in the driveway, and Beyonce's words: "You must not know about me..."
4. My amazingly fantastic magical curious wise joyful loving growing brave and confident kids. They are more than okay; they are living arrows that fly. (Also very thankful for their school teachers.)
5. Rachel. My BFF. A constant support with a Yes-To-Life attitude. Kayaking, rock climbing, tennis, fires, kites, Can you come out to play?
6. Sacred Women's Circle and Authentic Intuitive Movement.
7. Valerie. New York City--so nice, I went there twice. Sit & Wonder. Everything Will Be Okay. Sometimes there are no rules.
8. Favorite haircut ever.
9. David Sacks. This dear friend died way too young. So thankful for his life, so thankful I knew him.
10. Road trip to San Antonio with my kids, my dad, and my sister, Amy. Played Yahtzee with my 92-year-old grandma, took Rosie to get her ears pierced (I, too, got my ears pierced when I was 6-years-old in Texas with my aunt), hung out on the roof, ate tacos for breakfast, sipped on Brown coffee, saw the old family sites and heard the old family stories, reclaimed Belk roots. Texas forever!
11. The increasing ability to recognize bullshit and call it what it is. (Remember that song I wrote, "I will find my voice?" I did.)
13. Kayla. Lucky '13. An unlikely meeting and unexpected love.
Happy Thanksgiving, dear ones! I hope you get an extra dollop of whipped cream on your pumpkin pie. If you're into whipped cream. Maybe you'd rather have an extra pat of butter for your roll, or gravy for your taters. Whatever you love, I wish you bounteous amounts.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
The Kids
On Children
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, 'Speak to us of Children.'
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
~Khalil Gibran
My kids are not mine. They belong to no one but themselves. They are individuals with their own thoughts and their own souls. I get the privilege of nurturing them and witnessing their lives. These thoughts are helpful to me as I've let go of some time/involvement/influence with them this past year. How are the kids through all this? The kids are living arrows that fly, and we have so much gladness between us.
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, 'Speak to us of Children.'
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
~Khalil Gibran
My kids are not mine. They belong to no one but themselves. They are individuals with their own thoughts and their own souls. I get the privilege of nurturing them and witnessing their lives. These thoughts are helpful to me as I've let go of some time/involvement/influence with them this past year. How are the kids through all this? The kids are living arrows that fly, and we have so much gladness between us.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Joy is a Flame
My, oh my, this was not the year for blogging. This was the year for getting my act together...my Act II. I don't know what will become of this blog, but I know what will become of me. Increasing joy, always. Here's what Sara Teasdale says about joy:
The Answer
When I go back to earth
And all my joyous body
Puts off the red and white
That once had been so proud,
If men should pass above
With false and feeble pity,
My dust will find a voice
To answer them aloud:
"Be still, I am content,
Take back your poor compassion--
Joy was a flame in me
Too steady to destroy.
Lithe as a bending reed
Loving the storm that sways her--
I found more joy in sorrow
Than you could find in joy."
Damn straight, joy is a flame in me. While all our feelings lead us on our way, joy is my favorite guide. Favorite and faithful. My way right now, my so-called second act, includes college, learning more and more about motherhood, letting go of old shit, leaning in to new love. I am so much more than content.
The Answer
When I go back to earth
And all my joyous body
Puts off the red and white
That once had been so proud,
If men should pass above
With false and feeble pity,
My dust will find a voice
To answer them aloud:
"Be still, I am content,
Take back your poor compassion--
Joy was a flame in me
Too steady to destroy.
Lithe as a bending reed
Loving the storm that sways her--
I found more joy in sorrow
Than you could find in joy."
Damn straight, joy is a flame in me. While all our feelings lead us on our way, joy is my favorite guide. Favorite and faithful. My way right now, my so-called second act, includes college, learning more and more about motherhood, letting go of old shit, leaning in to new love. I am so much more than content.
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