2015

There are only about 8 hours left in 2015. I want to reflect on the year before heading out to ring in the new one. I'm using this article as a guide, making some lists and writing some letters.

Accomplishments:
- I got accepted into the highly competitive nursing program at KSU.
- I began the nursing program at KSU.
-I learned a ton and got straight A's my first semester of nursing school.
-I kept my children in my (superior) school district after a long battle over it with their dad.
-I created/achieved healthier and safer boundaries for my children in our joint custody situation.
-I bravely engaged in some difficult conversations.
-I made a number of new friends, including one former enemy.
-We started the "marble system" with tasks and rewards for the kids, and family meetings to talk about areas of growth as "thoughtful earthlings." They have grown so much.
-We transformed our yard into a pretty cool place to hang out.
-I planned a kickass surprise party with many close friends and family members in attendance and ASKED KAYLA TO MARRY ME.
-She said, "Yes, of course," so I am engaged!
-I got at least 300 compliments on my hair.

Disappointments or Setbacks:
-The lawsuit my ex filed against me in June 2014 is Still. Not. Over.
-I suddenly had a hip injury and nerve problems, and I was in pain and limping for over a month.
-The lavender I planted did not survive.
-I did not play basketball as often as I wanted to.
-Some people close to me caused me a great deal of hurt/stress.

Lessons learned from setbacks:
-When I feel weak, it might be that I'm actually stronger, just carrying more.
-My ex is a deeply broken person, and I will never know the extent of his dishonesty.
-My losses are not as terrible as they first feel.
-I need to strengthen my core.
-Stretching and hydrating work wonders.
-Lavender needs more sun.
-Dynamics change, and that's okay. Don't try to get back to how things were, but create a new normal.
-Let go, let go, let go!

Now that I've made these lists, I will write and burn a few letters as an act of forgiveness, gratitude, and letting go of past hurt. Thank you, 2015, for more growth and memories. Peace out!

Lighten Up

Here is a Pema Chödrön quote from Comfortable with Uncertainty that I wrote in the first page of my journal, a little over a year ago:

"If we have the aspiration to stop resisting those parts of ourselves that we find unacceptable and instead begin to breathe them in, this gives us much more space. We come to know every part of ourselves, with no more monsters in the closet, no more demons in the cave. We have some sense of turning on the lights and looking at ourselves honestly and with great compassion. This is the fundamental change of attitude - this working with pain and pleasure in a revolutionary and courageous way."

What a challenge! One that I wanted to take on--turn on the lights, so that there are no more monsters in the closet or demons in the cave. Not easy or fast or fun. I am slowly working on it; the aspiration is there.

Now I am reading Chödrön's Start Where You Are, and she says we've got warmth and brilliance right here, despite whatever darkness is around. Her first bit of advice is to lighten up. As in, relax. So, I'm integrating these thoughts of turning on the lights and lightening up. Yeah, it's hard work to look at ourselves honestly, but we can relax a bit, knowing that we've got this warmth and brilliance going on too. It's winter now, gets dark uncomfortably early, but I've got twinkle lights plugged in and firewood at the ready, not to mention cozy blankets, roasted vegetables, and family.

Big Magic

I'm about a third of the way through Elizabeth Gilbert's latest book Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. Her writing, particularly Eat, Pray, Love, has meant so much to me (and millions of other readers). I don't know if she has changed or if I have--well, both, duh--but the book is not resonating with me yet. I think that a combination of studying so much science the past few years and the tremendous load of stress I've borne has taken some of my woo-woo ways away. I miss my woo-woo ways.

After I left Christianity, I still very much valued spirituality. During a great and difficult period of personal growth in my early 30s, I always thought of my process as a benevolent one. I would repeat to myself and my journal, "This is a benevolent process. This is a benevolent process," and it would bring me comfort. There were obviously unknown powers at work in my life. I don't know if I believe that anymore. I'm agnostic about my agnosticism. I wonder if my journey is still a benevolent process, if I can still hold on to that comforting thought.

Recently, I came to a comforting conclusion: yes, this is a benevolent process because I choose it to be so. I, Jenny, bestow kindness, compassion, and well meaning onto my life, my journey, and my processes. So, in the future, when I'm not feeling kind toward myself, or when I'm in the thick of stress/depression/loneliness/____________ (insert difficult feeling), I will be held in the kindness I now choose.

The world is made up of matter and energy, much of it and its interactions still unknown. That is mysterious unknown power. Big magic even? I look forward to the rest of Gilbert's book, and the light it might shed on my journey.

A Thrill of Hope

It's Christmas 2015, warm but rainy here in Georgia. The day started with such joy, as I heard the kids whispering with excitement in the living room at 6 o'clock. Stella made the coffee, and then the four of them rang their bells outside our bedroom door to wake us up. Opening presents was a blast, then lots of family came over with more presents, and then we ate super delicious vegetables and played with our new toys. I took a brief nap, followed by a brief walk, and now I'm damp but comfortable in the post-Christmas living room mess.

Different lyrics from different Christmas songs stick out to me each Christmas, whether it's realizing that Baby, It's Cold Outside is about date rape, making a joke about donning our gay apparel, or watching in wonder at the kids' "eyes all aglow" as they prepare to go to bed on Christmas Eve. On my walk this afternoon, I was thinking about the words "a thrill of hope" from O Holy Night. I was thinking that I sure would like to feel a thrill of hope.

I have so much to be hopeful about. I successfully completed my first semester of nursing school. What was a faraway dream will be a concrete reality before I know it. I'm engaged to be married to a wise, loving woman who is a true partner and witness in my life. Our kids are so thoughtful, smart, fun, creative, and joyful. They are going places - interesting places where they will solve problems, lead others, create art, and experience the world. Hope!

But no thrill of it. I'm thrill-seeking.