Thankslisting 2014

I've been listing thanks on this blog for a number of years, so even though I rarely post anymore, I'm popping in because I enjoy this annual exercise. This year I'm thankful for:

1. A sweet Christmas morning with my three girls in my basement apartment by my twinkle light tree. (I will always think of that home in my parents' home with gratitude and nostalgia.)

2. A new home with year-round twinkle lights, fires inside and out, vegetables roasting daily, kittens, a park across the street, and most importantly...

3. A true, loving, exciting partnership with a wise, smart, beautiful, authentic woman.

4. Silver rings and yes tattoos.

5. A boy. A sweet, crazy, noodie-head 3-year-old boy.

6. Chemistry, Mathematical Modeling, Lifespan Developmental Psychology, Anatomy & Physiology, American History, Statistics, more Anatomy & Physiology, Microbiology, Organic Chemistry and a 4.0.

7. Summer in the water: slides at the aquatic center, tubing down the Chattahoochee River, splash pads, pools, squirt guns, you name it.

8. A wonderful school nearby school where the big kids are thriving--Students of the Month, parts in the play, morning news anchor, Reading Bowl, new friends, great teachers, daily enthusiasm.

9. Kickass home videos to remember all our awesome parties. (password: kayla)

10. Indigo Girls at the Botanical Gardens on my birthday.

11. Café con leche in Miami.

12. Quiet weekends studying at coffee shops.

13. Loud weekends with so many kids and so much joy.

What I want is to have in life right now is 1) fun with my kids, 2) connection with my partner, 3) wonder at science as I study, and 4) good times with friends. I have all those things, and I am so thankful for it--it's just all the shitty extra stuff I don't want. Life is never that simple.

1) My kids have been SO happy lately, so much fun. In the past month, my oldest, in particular, has been so full of joy, bringing me so much joy. She is constantly creating things or riding her bike on mini adventures. My baby is chatting away these days, and running around the room singing "Let It Go" repeatedly. My middle has so much love in her heart, regularly expressing it with cards or pictures or journal entries. They are wonderful. I've had a fresh dose of missing them every day they're not here with me. For the most part, joint custody works out great, giving me the breaks that I need as a student and individual. And, if you don't know, I've got this other kid in my life now, a three-year-old boy who is crazy as all get out and will hide behind trees with me and jump out to surprise his mom till the sun goes down. Fun with kids!

2) I've been in a relationship with Kayla for over a year now and moved in with her a few months ago. I enjoy her so much. At the end of our crazy days, it's just me and her. She's not my "girlfriend" or my "paramore" as some have said; she's my partner in every way, and I can't say enough about how good it feels to be in a true partnership with mutual respect and admiration and helpfulness. Plus we have these awesome matching tattoos.

3) This semester I'm taking Microbiology and Organic Chemistry, my final prerequisites for the nursing program. Being a nurse is still this faraway thing, this vague goal that I can't feel right now. But I trust it's coming--a career in which I get to tend to people in such a practical way. In just a few years, I'll be sporting scrubs and stories from the bedside. For now, I get to marvel at the way carbon joins with hydrogen in all these configurations and at the realization that there are bajillions of microscopic organisms all over the place--all this life we can't even see! This world is fascinating!

4) I have not been at a loss for friendships. I've got old friends and new friends to share dinner with, or a movie or brunch or kayaking or a chat at the bus stop or whatever. That be a blessin', y'all.

5) Shitty extra stuff, mainly shitty ex- stuff. Ugh, that guy.

Letting Go, Moving into a Larger World

Posted by Clarissa Pinkola Estes on FB, 4/7/14.....
 

Dear Brave Souls: LETTING GO

To let go.
Some have a hard time
letting go of what is no longer,
what cannot be, what is not,
what has never been.

People say
'just let go,
just let go,
just let go'
scattering the platitude like confetti
immediately swept away by any wind.

What is it exactly, this letting go?
No longer allowing the eye
to be caught by the hook...
No longer fastening the lock on the door,
just letting the door swing as it will...
No longer visiting the graves
where there is no love
and no blessing in both directions...
No longer reviewing and reviewing the past,
even the last moment,
as though there will be a test.
There will not be a test, dear soul.

What is it exactly,
this letting go?

Not reading the same chapter over and over
and over and over, futilely attempting
to make the indelible facts be rewritten…
Making new memories of quality
to bathe old scars and new life...
Moving into a larger world
in which the past
is but a dot on the landscape
rather than the only continent in sight.

We all find our ways…
letting go is shaking loose,
letting go is turning
in your great coat, into a new wind
forward into new sky and open road
leaving what cannot be,
and taking all treasure
from the wreck.

Each in her own way.
Each in his own way.

This comes with love. Hang in there. No one deserves to be nailing the hem of their cloak to the crossroad that once was, but that is not now.

Continuan…
dr.e

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!