Thankslisting 2013

Man, looking back at last year's list of thanks, I remember how depressed I was, pregnant and suddenly faced with planning a divorce.  That depression, though, was kind of like a metal spring being pressed down in order for it to bounce up into the air and fulfill its purpose as a spring (by definition a resilient device.)  Now it's Thanksgiving 2013, and I am one high-flying spring.  This year I AM SO THANKFUL FOR...


1.  Betty's birth.  Best birth I could possibly imagine.  Melanie, Pam, Guina, Anjli.  And Betty herself!  What a kid.  I am thankful for every moment with this sweet baby.

2.  My mom & dad.  Without hesitation, they welcomed me and my three kids into their home, clearing out space and creating sanctuary during my biggest hour of need.

3.  These words from a county Superior Court judge: "I shall restore to you your name, Jenny Ruth Belk."  And from the ensuing documents "...held and considered as separate and distinct persons altogether unconnected by any nuptial union or civil contract whatsoever."  Then came the dancing in the driveway, and Beyonce's words: "You must not know about me..."

4.  My amazingly fantastic magical curious wise joyful loving growing brave and confident kids.  They are more than okay; they are living arrows that fly.  (Also very thankful for their school teachers.)

5.  Rachel.  My BFF.  A constant support with a Yes-To-Life attitude.  Kayaking, rock climbing, tennis, fires, kites, Can you come out to play?

6.  Sacred Women's Circle and Authentic Intuitive Movement.

7.  Valerie.  New York City--so nice, I went there twice.  Sit & Wonder.  Everything Will Be Okay.  Sometimes there are no rules.

8.  Favorite haircut ever.

9.  David Sacks.  This dear friend died way too young.  So thankful for his life, so thankful I knew him.

10.  Road trip to San Antonio with my kids, my dad, and my sister, Amy.  Played Yahtzee with my 92-year-old grandma, took Rosie to get her ears pierced (I, too, got my ears pierced when I was 6-years-old in Texas with my aunt), hung out on the roof, ate tacos for breakfast, sipped on Brown coffee, saw the old family sites and heard the old family stories, reclaimed Belk roots.  Texas forever!

11. The increasing ability to recognize bullshit and call it what it is.  (Remember that song I wrote, "I will find my voice?"  I did.)

12.  Kennesaw State University.  The time came to pursue my nursing dream after all these years; I began classes in August.  I love, love, love being a student again.

13.  Kayla.  Lucky '13.  An unlikely meeting and unexpected love.


Happy Thanksgiving, dear ones!  I hope you get an extra dollop of whipped cream on your pumpkin pie.  If you're into whipped cream.  Maybe you'd rather have an extra pat of butter for your roll, or gravy for your taters.  Whatever you love, I wish you bounteous amounts.

The Kids

On Children

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, 'Speak to us of Children.' 
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

~Khalil Gibran

My kids are not mine.  They belong to no one but themselves.  They are individuals with their own thoughts and their own souls.  I get the privilege of nurturing them and witnessing their lives.  These thoughts are helpful to me as I've let go of some time/involvement/influence with them this past year. How are the kids through all this?  The kids are living arrows that fly, and we have so much gladness between us.

Joy is a Flame

My, oh my, this was not the year for blogging.  This was the year for getting my act together...my Act II.  I don't know what will become of this blog, but I know what will become of me.  Increasing joy,  always.  Here's what Sara Teasdale says about joy:

The Answer

When I go back to earth
And all my joyous body
Puts off the red and white
That once had been so proud,
If men should pass above
With false and feeble pity,
My dust will find a voice
To answer them aloud:

"Be still, I am content,
Take back your poor compassion--
Joy was a flame in me
Too steady to destroy.
Lithe as a bending reed
Loving the storm that sways her--
I found more joy in sorrow
Than you could find in joy."


Damn straight, joy is a flame in me.  While all our feelings lead us on our way, joy is my favorite guide.  Favorite and faithful.  My way right now, my so-called second act, includes college, learning more and more about motherhood, letting go of old shit, leaning in to new love.  I am so much more than content.

Divo: First Month

Having a baby, moving, and getting a divorce sure put a blog on the back burner.  Need some tending, blog dear?  A stir?  A dash of salt?

I've officially been divorced for over a month.  I have an ex-husband now--how grown up of me.  It was a transformative moment when the judge pronounced, "I shall restore to you your name."  I got my name back, and you bet your sweet bippy I got my Self back.  Stifled for so long!  Undervalued and uncared for.  This is Act II.  I get to create--from the pain, disappointment, and anger--something new, authentic, and joyful.  I have created a living space that fits that description.  I'm gaining my strength back, physically and in other ways.  Running again.  Journaling as usual.  I've been feeling what I feel, noting what I feel, and starting to heal.  I'm using my divorce as a spiritual journey.  The feelings and circumstances surrounding it are here to REAWAKEN me.  The process I'm going through is a holy one, divinely inspired to bring about a positive change in my life.  My pain is a sacred emotion, allowing me to discover who I really am and go places I would not go on my own!  If not for this divorce, I would not be able to go where I'm going, on this spiritual journey to a nourishing life. 

I borrowed those last phrases from Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford.  I picked it up randomly from the library, and I totally dig it.  It's a challenge though, full of "healing actions."  The first step on my journey is to actively deal & heal.  I'm no good to my self, my kids, or anyone else if I skip this step.  Of course I'll be dealing & healing in different ways my whole life, but for now it's the primary focus.  Step two?  Get on an airplane?  There are so many steps to look forward to, but I won't get tripped up on those now.  One by one to feel five by five.

We Meet Challenges

"The wild nature teaches that we meet challenges as they occur. When wolves are badgered, they don't say, "Oh no! Not again!" They bound, pounce, run, dive, scramble, play dead, go for the throat, whatever needs to be done. So we cannot be shocked that there is entropy, deterioration, hard times. Let us understand that the issues that entrap women's joy will always shift and shape-change, but in our own essential natures we find the absolute stamina, the necessary libido for all necessary acts of heart."

~Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves