Some Final Thoughts

The year is almost over.  The world too?  Doesn't feel like the world is going to end today, but you never know.  It's constantly changing, that's for sure.  There's a never-ending life-death-life cycle.  Pema Chodron says to "...know we are always in transition, that the only time is now, and that the future is completely unpredictable and open."  I don't know about you, but that leaves me comforted/hopeful and scared at the same time.  Or comforted/hopeful sometimes and scared other times.  

This year I have focused on fear and fearlessness, "fearless" being my word of the year.  What I have come to realize is that we can move through and past many fears.  So many of them are bogus, based on false beliefs, but still there to deal with none-the-less.  We cannot ignore fear.  We can try, but it will keep coming up until we deal.  

"The only way to the Place beyond Fear is to do the thing you fear most.  This is how to surrender to your best destiny." ~Martha Beck

I have found it helpful to specifically determine my biggest, deepest fears.  To imagine them and envision how I would cope.  Not fun, painful in fact, but helpful.  And inevitably, by choosing a word of the year like fearless, I have actually had to face some of my biggest fears.  Not a fun word of the year!  Next year's will be less intense. 

Conclusion: I may never be fearless, but by goddess, I will be brave and determined.  Come hell or high water, end of the world or its sometimes tedious persistence...I am strong, I am woman, hear me howl!

Blessingway

On Sunday evening my mom and sister hosted a Blessingway for me.  Sooooo sooo so much better than a baby shower.  Instead of collecting clothespins and guessing baby food flavors, this group of amazing women gathered and blessed me, my baby, and my birth.  (There was still delicious finger food, don't worry.)  Each person read a poem or said a few words of affirmation to me and presented me with a bead, describing why they chose that particular bead.  The beads will all be made into a necklace for me to wear and remember their support. 

Readers, I cannot tell you how beautiful their words were.  Each woman there, ranging from 30 years old to 60 and representing different life, birth, and faith experiences, said something that made me feel so loved, made me know my baby is already loved, and empowered me as a mother and soon-to-be birth warrior.  Such an amazing feeling! 

Then they all put their hands on me.  Good ol' laying on of hands.  Hey, it's powerful!  I wore the bright orange tank top I plan to wear during labor.  I figured I might as well get the shirt blessed too!  I closed my eyes.  Suddenly, someone behind me started singing some Ooohs.  Then someone else joined in harmony.  Then another voice.  They switched from Ooohs to singing the words "I know."  And then my sister, right in front of me, sang the chorus I recently learned and immediately knew would be part of this birth:

I know this rose will open

I know my fears will burn away

I know my soul will unfurl its wings

I know this rose will open

It was like an episode of Glee written just for me, and it was awesome!  I invited all 8 women to come to the hospital room and do that again.  They're thinking about it. 

I opened some presents, and then we moved to the table to make some art.  Everyone took a square of fabric and painted some sort of visual affirmation or blessing.  My mom will sew them into a quilt for me.  Wow. 

Then there was cheesecake with chocolate ganache.  So, you can see why I felt so good and blessed by such dear, dear women.  I enter these last few weeks of pregnancy knowing I am loved, knowing my baby is loved, and feeling fearless about giving birth. 

Circles

Circles

The moon is most happy

When it is full.

And the sun always looks 

Like a perfectly minted gold coin

That was just Polished

And placed in flight

By God's playful Kiss.

And so many varieties of fruit

Hang plump and round

From branches that seem like a Sculptor's hands.

I see the beautiful curve of a pregnant belly

Shaped by a soul within,

And the Earth itself,

And the planets and the Spheres--

I have gotten the hint:

There is something about circles

The Beloved likes.

Hafiz,

Within the Circle of a Perfect One

There is Infinite Community 

Of Light.

~Hafiz, I Heard God Laughing

(I'm looking forward to being with a circle of women on Sunday to bless this pregnant belly shaped by a soul within.)

Letter To My Baby

Dear Betty,

Hi, baby girl.  I feel you moving around in my belly.  It's so weird and wonderful.  But I can't wait to hold you!  To hold your little body and kiss your skin and nurse you!  Such a bond we will have.

I'm excited for your birth.  I believe it will be magical.  Such wonder and magic and beauty YOU are bringing into this world.  You are a unique soul, your own person with your own life to live.  I can't wait to meet you and get to know you.  You'll learn so much more than I'll ever know.  You'll teach me so much.  I'll teach you what I can about the world.  It's hard out here sometimes, but then sometimes it's so beautiful and joyful.  Don't worry; you're equipped.  So am I.

Be healthy and comfy in there, little joy, for just a few more weeks.

Love,
Mommy

Thankslisting 2012

Time to give thanks for the last 12 months.  This year I am thankful for:

1.  Baby Betty in my belly.
2.  My beautiful, creative, increasingly confident Stella, who plays the violin and excels in all subjects.
3.  My beautiful, creative, goofy and joyful Rosie, who is learning (and loves) to read and write.
4.  A new friend.
5.  Seeing Anne Lamott.
6.  Obama's re-election.
7.  Spending time with nineteen or so in-laws this summer.  I won't forget that visit.
8.  Asheville food, art, and grand views.
9.  Seeing another niece born to my birth warrior sister. (This is now on 3 out of 5 Thanksgiving lists on my blog!)
10.  Birthing from Within class.  Care from amazing doulas and midwives.
11.  Facing fears.  Ouch, but ultimately healing. 
12.  My Angels.
13.  The leaves on the trees, the wind that moves them, and the stillness I feel when I see it.

Happy Thanksgiving, dear friends.