Steps to Deconversion

I drafted this post six months ago, just before all the personal revelations and anger.   The subject came up again, so I decided to publish it now. 

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After a recent conversation with someone struggling with her faith, I realized there are a lot of Christians out there who are not quite sure they are Christians anymore.  If you have followed my blog for a few years, you know that at the beginning of 2009 I confessed that I no longer believed the things I grew up believing.  I let go of the Christianity I so passionately followed for almost thirty years and began a journey guided by inner wisdom.  Four years later, I can say that I feel more peace and joy now than I ever did.  My life does not look a lot different on the outside, but I feel transformed.  I thought it might be helpful for some if I posted a short guide to deconversion--some advice, from my experience, for people whose long-held faith no longer rings true.

If you are happy in your Christian faith, I respect your commitment.  There is no need for you to read this post, as it is not intended for you.  If you feel compelled to read on, I ask that you respect my beliefs as I do yours.

What do I call this list...Jenny's 10 Steps to Deconversion?  Things to Keep in Mind during your Faith Crisis?  Notes from the Dark Side (which is Refreshingly Bright!)?  Something like that.  You get the idea.  Again, I stress that this comes from my experience.  Take what is helpful; leave the rest. 

1.  Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth.  You might be tempted to deny what you are thinking, to bury your doubts and hope they go away.  But they keep coming back.  There is no benefit in lying to yourself.  Admit to yourself what you are thinking and feeling.  This processing phase is difficult and can be kept private.  Write in a journal, talk to a therapist, or dialogue with yourself while driving.  Just tell the truth.

2.  Be curious and gentle with your thoughts.  Your true thoughts might scare you and cause you confusion and guilt.  Try to be curious with these thoughts.  Acknowledge what you are thinking and feeling without judgment.

3.  Embrace uncertainty.  You may feel uncomfortable without a defined faith or like-minded community.  Uncertainty is natural.  Mystery is a given.  You are on a journey and you don't need all the answers all at once.  You will know what you need to know when you need to know it.

4.  Relax.  This is a benevolent process.  You are discovering your authentic beliefs and uncovering what is already inside you, desperate for you to acknowledge.  That is a good thing.

5.  Relax.  Be gentle with yourself if you feel guilty or scared.  You don't believe in hell anymore, remember?

6.  Relax.  You do not have to announce your thoughts to the world.  You do not have to tell every Christian you've ever met that you are no longer a Christian. 

7.  If/when you do share your change of beliefs with people, be ready for mixed reactions: some sadness, some judgment, some prayer for you, some kindness, some openness, and some surprising agreement.  Respect people like you want to be respected.  Golden Rule still applies!

8.  Grieve your loss of creed and community.  This is a difficult transition.  There is loss.

9.  Find what truly resonates.  Glean from what you are reading and experiencing.  When something rings true, you feel it.  When something is bullshit, you know it.  Hold on to what resonates within, whether it is from the Bible or an episode of Buffy.  There is truth everywhere.

10.  Enjoy the peace and joy that come from acknowledging and honoring what you truly believe.  Enjoy being your authentic self!

I have come to find some powerful wisdom and authentic spirituality in my post-Christian life, which I am happy to share if you're interested.  And if you're interested, here is a list of books that helped me during my transformation:

The Dance of the Dissident Daughter, Sue Monk Kidd
Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
Steering by Starlight, Martha Beck
Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Leaving the Saints, Martha Beck
Kitchen Table Wisdom, Rachel Naomi Remen


Again, take what is helpful; leave the rest.  I'll conclude with the words of Martha Beck: "Don't worry about losing your way. If you do, pain will remind you to find your path again. Joy will let you know when you are back on it."  Much love, seekers.