Peace, Man, Cool, Yeah

Better Health (On the way, Here to stay!)

2012-02-11T08:58:00.007-05:00

Buenas dias. I just ate a piece of toast...attempting to reintroduce gluten into my diet. I'm a little nervous that I have a sensitivity to it. Because I'm afraid of permanent, inconvenient change. Mm hm.

But dudes, I feel so healthy lately, it's fantastic. I swear, even before my clean bill of dental health, I noticed that even my teeth were looking healthier. Like, more solid or something. Let's see...it's been over a month since I started the healthy eating plan. Since the 7 intense days, I've continued yoga five mornings a week, added a couple afternoon runs every week, and started taking daily supplements (multivitamin/mineral, vitamin C, vitamin D, calcium/magnesium/zinc, and probiotics). I've been eating simple delicious meals and snacks (made spaghetti squash for the first time--so fun!), taking relaxing baths most nights, and slowly reintroducing potentially allergenic foods. I've reintroduced corn, nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, eggplant, peppers), citrus, vinegar, and eggs. No noticeable symptoms except a little heartburn from citrus. I can work with that. Today's a big one: gluten. And next is dairy, and then I'm done the official plan. I can eat whatever I choose.

My healthy feeling is more than physical. It's carrying over into other areas, into my attitude and outlook. My five big life wishes I blogged about? I feel like I'm achieving them. Or tending to them or accepting them, or whatever. Who knew that what you eat affects even your relationships and finances? I really think it does. I've got solid teeth to back me up. I'll let you know about the gluten.

Act, Tackle, Prove

2012-02-02T17:40:00.004-05:00

A few thoughts stuck with me from Gretchen Rubin's book The Happiness Project, "the account of the year she spent test-driving studies and theories about how to be happier."

1. Rubin's personal commandment to "Act the way I want to feel." This is so helpful when I'm feeling lousy or sorry for myself. It's not about being fake; it's about creating my happiness. I wrote her commandment on a small piece of paper to carry in my pocket today. It helped. I want to feel calm, understanding, joyful, wise, vibrant, confident, in love, and fearless; so by golly, I'm gonna act calm, understanding, joyful, wise, vibrant, confident, in love, and fearless!

2. Rubin's resolution to tackle nagging tasks. Oh my gosh, this really makes me happy. Relief is an underrated feeling. Inspired, I tackled quite a few nagging tasks last week, including calling the phone company, changing a light bulb, contacting HR about a question, hanging some hooks, and making an appointment to see the dentist. I hadn't gone to the dentist in over five years, since before Rosie was born. Eek. I went yesterday and walked out with a big, clean smile on my cavity-free mouth. Completing a nagging task pays off in happiness, big time.

3. Rubin quoting Jean Cocteau: “There's no such thing as love; only proof of love.” We can say we love someone or care about something till the cows come home, and after the cows come home, or if the cows call in sick and stay home all day. Regardless of what the cows are doing, if we don't show we love and care, then it doesn't mean much, does it? True that. (Moo that.)

Now I'm reading a collection of essays about yoga. The only catch is I have to read it from a headstand position. It's like a rush of blood and inspiration all at once.

First Thoughts on "Fearless"

2012-01-24T07:46:00.006-05:00

Immediately after choosing FEARLESS as my word of the year, I began to doubt my choice. I felt arrogant and naive. I knew it was an invitation to face my fears, but really, what were the chances that I would overcome them? Should I even overcome them? Isn't fear a natural mechanism to keep me from harm? And it started to bother me that I had the ovaries to think I could become fearless. Such hubris!

Such fear.

But I was thinking of fearlessness in masculine terms, like Get Over It and Just Do It. That's intimidating! I am relieved to have realized in the past two weeks that there is a different way of looking at it. There is feminine fearlessness.

What happens physically when we are afraid? I think of cowering, curling into a ball, tensing up, heart beating rapidly, and tightly closing my eyes. Even if I do not literally go into that position, it is what is happening inside of me. I am not talking about fear of steep inclines or lizards in the house or public nail clipping, though let's face it, those things are freaky. The fears I am increasingly aware of are along the lines of speaking up, conflict, disapproval, inconvenience, failure and loss. While there is a time for masculine Nike slogan bravery, like when you want to cancel the home phone line but you're afraid the customer service representative will give you a hard time. Get over it. You've avoided it for six months. Just do it. That can be empowering, but there is also a time for listening to fear and holding it in your awareness--no action required. If I imagine the fear itself, which is part of me, tensely curled up and cowering, I need only send breath and love to it. I can create space for it to be. I can create a calm environment for it. And what do you know? It relaxes a little; loosens.

I may never be completely fearless, but I will be increasingly calm as I acknowledge my fear. I've got the ovaries for that. I'm already much less afraid of my word of the year.

Post-Detox

2012-01-21T16:28:00.005-05:00

I kept a simple diet this week, after my week of detox. I ate the same good smoothies, veggies, meat, legumes and broth. Until last night. I had pizza and ice cream. For good reason: my daughter's birthday celebration. I'm no party pooper. We got the good pizza, and the 5-ingredient ice cream and the chocolate syrup without high fructose corn syrup. I felt okay last night, but today, oh today. I've been cranky and irritable and restless. These are not uncommon feelings; in fact, all too common for me. But I did not experience these feelings while eating ultrasimply. So, what was the culprit? The wheat, the dairy, or the sugar? Most likely sugar, I'm told.

It might be the sugar talking, but the thought of eating well permanently is so overwhelming. I love how I feel when I eat well, but I know events will come, cravings will come, and needing to eat in a hurry will come. And I want to be able to eat pizza and ice cream now and then, without guilt or irritability. Sometimes being social takes priority to nutritional quality. Perspective, ya know? My hope and plan is that I'll ease into a bit of wheat, dairy and sugar while keeping the majority of my diet non-toxic. Baby steps, right? That's the answer to overwhelm?

Meanwhile, I've had some good thoughts on fear and fearlessness since the year started. Will share soon.

Someone Like You

2012-01-18T20:57:00.003-05:00

First, there's this. Sigh.

Then, there's this. Hot damn.

And finally, this. : )

I love this song. [Boohoohoohoo-sniff-hoohoohoo...]

Salutations, Sun & Moon

2012-01-15T14:12:00.003-05:00

If, like me, you're looking to start and end your day with yoga, here's a simple instructional video by Penelope Dullaghan. I like her style.

Salutations for Squam*blog from Penelope Dullaghan on Vimeo.

Rounding the Bend

2012-01-13T07:36:00.002-05:00

It's Day 6 of my 7-Day UltraSimple Diet. It's also Friday the 13th. Oooooo. I tell you what...I love this program. I have so much fun making the vegetable broth and smoothies and beautiful, nutritious meals. The journaling, yoga, and baths are relaxing and fabulous.

The first improved symptom, which I noticed on Day 2 or so, was clearer breathing. That happened in the summer too. Which "normal" foods are clogging my airways? By Day 4, I noticed smoother skin. Nice. And of course, my (ahem) digestion has been smoother too. My muscles have loosened up, and my body feels great. My mood has been positive and even-tempered all week. Imagine that...a food/emotion connection! Amazing.

I've been waking up every day at 6 a.m., before the family, to quietly practice yoga in my living room. There's no better way to start the day. Since I went back to work this week after several weeks off, I've been very tired in the afternoon. (You have no idea how physically taxing it is to be a Lunch Lady! I'm hauling crates of milk, bending down, lifting heavy boxes up, and standing still for about an hour at the cash register. Standing still is hard.) So I rest a bit in the afternoon, then walk or do a bit of exercise, and do more yoga before dinner. Perhaps the best part of this enhanced plan is the night-time routine. Every night this week I have done restorative yoga, reflected in my journal, and then taken a hot bath with Epsom salt, baking soda and Lavender Oil. Mm.

Tomorrow's the final day. I plan to closely follow Dr. Hyman's recommendations for phasing food back in. Over the summer the phasing-back-in period was foiled by a wine and cheese party. Not that I'm complaining. I definitely plan to keep up with the morning and evening yoga. You know what they say...yoga is for posers. And I am totally a... Wait.

Full Moons

2012-01-09T09:56:00.004-05:00

In light of last night's gorgeous moon, I wanted to share the Farmers' Almanac list of the Full Moon names. Native Americans in the northern and eastern United States kept track of the seasons by giving distinctive names to each recurring Full Moon. I love it.

January: Full Wolf Moon

February: Full Snow Moon

March: Full Worm Moon

April: Full Pink Moon

May: Full Flower Moon

June: Full Strawberry Moon

July: Full Buck Moon

August: Full Sturgeon Moon

September: Full Corn Moon or Full Harvest Moon (depending on when the harvest is)

October: Full Hunter's Moon or Full Harvest Moon

November: Full Beaver Moon

December: Full Cold Moon or Full Long Nights Moon

I love how the sky affects the earth. Do you suppose the earth influences the sky in return? I mean naturally, not via pollution and space missions. (Mental image of a youth group taking a missions trip to another planet. Guitars on Mars! Jupiter for Jesus! Saving Saturn!) Seriously, there's chlorophyll and that whole process. Am I forgetting something obvious? There's an energy connection, yes? In any mysterious, amazing case, I do love looking at a Full Moon, and I'm partial to January's name. [Howl!]

Here I Go Again

2012-01-08T10:05:00.004-05:00

I started the UltraSimple Diet today, the same plan I did this past summer. The word "diet" is misleading--it's really just a healthy eating program / cleanse. My friend is joining me on the 7-day plan, so we went shopping together yesterday for all our veggies. This time around I'm trying the enhanced version, meaning I add supplements, yoga and exercise to the shakes, broth, loads of veggies, journaling and baths. It's gonna be a Yes! experience.

This morning I woke up and downed 2 Tablespoons of olive oil with the juice of half a lemon. It was not delicious. Also took some Vitamin C. Then I did 20 minutes of yoga, journaled while drinking hot water with the juice from the other half of the lemon, followed by a cup of Green Tea. I took some Probiotics and Liver Support pills, and now I'm having my Nut Smoothie. Shwew--quite a morning!

I'll tell you what...my body is stiff and tight. Much to my dismay, I have not worked out or practiced yoga in months. Working has done a number on me and my schedule. That's my excuse anyway. I'm hoping this week will loosen me up and get me back into exercise. My first fear to meet this year...fear of taking charge of my health through permanent diet changes and exercise.

New Favorite Joke

2012-01-04T21:16:00.002-05:00

I was lucky enough to find this joke hidden in my Christmas cracker.

Q: Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkly?

A: Because if it was small, white and smooth it would be an aspirin.

An aspirin?! Oh my gosh. So random.

Resolve

2012-01-02T17:19:00.006-05:00

Here is a history of my New Year's Resolutions/Words/Quotes/Guiding Thoughts since I started declaring them.

2006: Resolution: Stop biting my nails.

2007: Resolutions: Submit a children's book manuscript to some publishers and save up for a Martin guitar.

2008: Words of the Year: CALM and ENERGY

2009: Quote for the Year: We have the brains and the heart to face our futures bravely. Taking responsibility for the time we take up and the space we occupy. (Maya Angelou, Letter to my Daughter)

2010: Word of the Year: VIBRANT

2011: Guiding Thought: Taking Care

And officially proclaiming...

2012: Word of the Year: FEARLESS

I'm scared, I admit. I don't know what will surface. But I'm inviting fear over for a conversation and cup of tea. To get to know each other and develop an understanding. I believe what Maya Angelou said about brains and heart. I believe in my strength and capability. And I believe it's time.

Top 10 Moments in 2011

2011-12-31T16:06:00.003-05:00

Last year around this time I got a postcard in the mail from a woman I've never met but have connected with online and on the telephone. Stacey Curnow is a life coach, midwife, & children's book author from Asheville, NC. Her postcard prompted the following exercise: Think of your Top 10 moments from the past year and figure out what made them meaningful. Name the common feelings you had in those moments. Then in the coming year, you can choose actions that will generate those feelings. Have you noticed I've been in a list-making mood lately? Actually, I've been in the following moods:

1. Grumpy

2. Silly

3. List-making

Anyway, I'm coming up with these on the spot... My Top 10 Moments of 2011:

1. Surprise Mates of State show with Joel. That's in the Top 10 Moments of my entire life.

2. Winter Solstice celebration: circle of women, reflection, silent darkness, candles.

3. Listening to Jerry Wright speak about the archetypal Christ at a Natural Spirituality Retreat. It was liberating.

4. Rollerskating with Amy, Melanie and Valerie. Karaoke following.

5. Thanksgiving break: Doing Nothing with people I love.

6. Sitting with my 90-year-old Grandma in her living room in Texas.

7. Leaping, howling, climbing trees, spying a fox, and more in Trexler Park.

8. Riding bikes with Stella.

9. Shopping for and cooking my UltraSimple Diet meals. Who knew making broth was so fun? It is for me!

10. Planting in my backyard.

The common feelings...Connection, Pleasure, Joy? You know what I'm really after? That Yes feeling. I want more of it. People, conversations, songs, activities, books, anything that makes me think and even shout Yes. I'm looking for resonance, man. Here's hoping!

5 Biggest Wishes

2011-12-29T08:33:00.006-05:00

After I heard about Happiness Commandments and drafted my own, I borrowed a copy of Gretchen Rubin's book The Happiness Project. Check out her website for more information. Between her story, my end of the year need to reflect, and a Martha Beck inspired practice of writing down my 5 Biggest Wishes, I've been thinking about what I truly want. What would make me happy? What are my big goals in life? While driving home from Charlotte yesterday, I came up with an all-inclusive list. As always, it is subject to change.

1. I want to watch and wonder at the amazing details of Life in and around me.

2. I want to connect with Joy in solitude and with others.

3. I want to function vibrantly with increasing levels of energy, calm and fearlessness.

4. I want to authentically and creatively contribute to this world.

5. Sometimes, I just want to get by.

Number five is for my funky days when I'm down in the dumps, huddled up on a smelly unupholstered couch with raccoons and plastic wrap and cigarette butts, when I feel so goddamn lonely, when I want to sleep for a week or two. Because I know those days come, when Numbers 1-4 sound impossible and annoying, and because I believe in being gentle with myself when gentleness is required. But 80% of the time, I've got goals! Now to develop practical tasks for reaching my abstract desires. Sounds tedious and dorky. Teenage Jenny would punch me in the face for talking like this. But 30-something Jenny ain't afraid.

Faith in Continuum

2011-12-23T11:12:00.005-05:00

excerpt from Cultivating Sacred Space: Gardening for the Soul by Elizabeth Murray:

"In winter our gardens, like we ourselves, must have the will and determination to make it through the months of darkness--to face the cold and wind and yet survive. Patience is required during these dormant times, as well as trust that transformation is taking place and that spring will come again.

Winter, cold and dark, is a time to experience the empty space, to embark on our personal journey, to look for our star.

We must trust the goings on and stirrings under the earth. We need not dig up the seeds and shine a light on them to see if they are indeed growing. They need their quiet, restful time of darkness to send out their roots.

Faith is expressed by the soul gardener who trusts the dormancy, the fallow times. Treasure the emergence and be gentle and protective of your soul during adverse conditions. There will be a flourishing."

Happiness Commandments

2011-12-18T20:31:00.002-05:00

Inspired by my friend Val, here is my first attempt at personal Happiness Commandments. I'm fairly certain they will evolve.

1. Watch & Wonder. Pretty much everything in this world is amazing if I take time to notice.

2. You have these depths. Take care of them. Anne Scott's advice to me and my guiding thought throughout 2011. No need to go searching or striving for wisdom.

3. Be on your own side. Choose gentleness over guilt. Don't doubt my intuition. My feelings and opinions are valid. It's okay to get angry.

4. Be open. To love I've never known before, to joy that's been here all along, to mystery, to truth, to Life.

5. Breathe. Deep breaths always make me feel better.

6. Stretch & drink lots of water. This body needs tender loving care.

7. Be goofy. I love to sing and dance. I love to do silly voices, make funny faces, tell corny jokes. Cracking myself up (and hopefully others now and then) is a big part of my personal happiness.

8. Be aware of what you need.

9. Be aware of what you want.

10. Determine the next practical step and do it.

The Latest

2011-12-07T15:29:00.006-05:00

Hello friends. And hello old friends who still read my blog. And you too, strangers. How are you? Here's the latest from my circle of the suburbs.

1. We had a fantastic trip to Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving...Spent time laughing with beloveds, ate a feast prepared by three men and a lunch lady, spied a fox in Trexler Park, and toasted the Beaujolais Nouveau. It was a long, sleepy drive home.

2. We gave the girls an early Christmas present: a dog! I know, I know...our last dog drove me crazy. But the circumstances and my mental stability are better now, and we found the perfect fit for our little tribe. His name is Wolfgang; Wolfie for short. We're all in puppy love.

3. Joel was on the news!

4. I got new glasses.

5. I'm making butternut bisque for dinner.

That's all for now. Stay in touch. Love ya like a sis. Peace out.

Shake It Out

2011-11-29T08:01:00.002-05:00

I can't get enough of this performance. Good lord on high.

Thankslisting 2011

2011-11-22T21:17:00.001-05:00

The other day I saw a gang of turkeys in my neighborhood, at least thirteen of the big wild birds. Driving north the other night I saw two shooting stars, an orange moon hovering above the highway, and the sun rise in the Virginia mountains. And now? Now I am relaxing. I am sitting around doing nothing, and it is amazing. It's time to offer up some thanks for the last twelve months, yeah? My official list, in no particular order, but with particular wonder and joy:

1. Sharing daily roses and thorns with my Joel, my Stella and my Rosie.

2. Winter Solstice celebration.

3. Natural spirituality retreat.

4. Joining a community of writers.

5. My chiropractor.

6. A surprisingly enjoyable job with the best possible schedule.

7. Trip to Texas.

8. Mates of State show.

9. UltraSimple diet.

10. Performing songs on several occasions.

11. Newfound confidence.

12. Being with my mother-in-law at the end. Her legacy.

13. Taking time to take care.

And, dear ones, a wolf came to me in my dream last night. That right there is reason to dance. Happy Thanksgiving!

50,000 Words in 30 Days?

2011-11-07T21:05:00.003-05:00

I may have made a mistake signing up for NaNoWriMo at the last minute. Then again, maybe not. What I do know is that I am obsessively checking my word count and it ain't up to par. I just hit 9,000...only 41K to go. (Only!) If I continue this endeavor, you might not hear from me for a while. If I bang my head on my keyboard repeatedly, you might not hear from me either. Or you'll hear from me but it will be gibberish because my bruised forehead did the typing.

Peace.

How Sweet

2011-10-26T07:47:00.002-04:00

A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him.

Two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other.

How sweet it tasted!

~from Zen Flesh, Zen Bones and repeated in the intro to Gilda Radner's It's Always Something where I read it.

Do the Work

2011-10-21T07:48:00.010-04:00

Last weekend I attended the SCBWI regional conference in Birmingham, Alabama. Opting not to get a hotel room, I set my alarm in Marietta for 4:30 a.m. on Saturday morning in order to leave my house around 5, drive three hours and arrive at 8. I got on the road around 5:15, set the GPS and saw my estimated arrival time of 6:30. That wasn't right. Confused, I drove along thinking there was something wrong with my navigator or something wrong with Google maps. I waited for the arrival time to adjust. It did, but only to about 6:45. This made me feel very insecure. I did not actually bring a map, so I was relying on the GPS to get me there. If it was acting up, I was lost. It did not occur to me, even when I sat for five minutes at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green, that my brain was the faulty system. An hour or so into my drive, as I was about to cross from Georgia into Alabama, I saw the road sign announcing "Now Entering Central Time Zone." Aha! Ding ding ding. I could have slept in until 5:30.

I spent the day in a big beautiful high school with writers, illustrators, agents and editors. We had two keynote speakers, four workshops, lunch, critiques, an autograph party, and a free tote bag. It was a little bit of overwhelm but a whole lotta inspiration. I got tips on the craft of writing and tips on the business of books. I came away with a couple of autographs, pages of notes, ink stained hands from my pen that exploded, ideas for revision, my new tote bag, and the mantra "Do the work." Do the Work, Do the Work, Do the Work.

(This picture is from a blog post about the conference by the hilarious & award winning author, Lisa Yee. Notice me on the left/middle, sitting just two rows away from the distinguished faculty.)

Since returning to my own Time Zone, I've spent time every day doing the work. I am treating writing as a profession. I have to. If I can spend four hours a day as a Lunch Lady, you better believe I can spend at least an hour as a writer! And I don't even have to wear a hair net.

But I can if I want to.

Doing the Work, for me, includes lots of reading, taking notes, browsing blogs, outlines, research, experimental writing, tweeting, daydreaming, doodling, making myself giggle, deleting, and of course, searching for the best words in the best order to serve my stories. It is work, for sure, and it is So Much Fun.

I've been meaning to tell you about this.

2011-10-18T07:47:00.014-04:00

I sat at REV, my favorite local coffee shop, waiting for an old friend. It was about 10 past 8, so I ordered my Aeropress and leafed through Creative Loafing. The door opened and a guy walked in. He looked like Joel. He wore a shirt Joel has and carried the same bag. He had a big goofy grin on his face to contrast my look of utter confusion. He walked over and all I could say was "WTF?" Smiling, he set two tickets on the table. "Didn't I just leave you with the kids?" I asked. I looked at the tickets, totally disoriented. Mates of State, Thursday October 6, Drunken Unicorn. "Wait...is that tonight?!!" I had it in my head that they were not playing in Atlanta this tour. The surprise started to sink in. My friend was in on the scheme. No catching up over coffee that night, but rather, rockin' out to my favorite band in the known world with my favorite guy at the perfect venue! "No way! You're kidding! Now?!"

Hell yeah. We made our way downtown, found parking and popped into the Book House Pub for a pre-concert snack. A few minutes later the door opened. A couple walked in. "OMG, look who just walked in." Jason and Kori...the Mates themselves! We whispered to the waitress that their drinks were on us. Jason had a Schlitz and Kori a glass of white. They thanked us with a wave and then a handshake on the way out.

At the Drunken Unicorn we found a spot by the stage. I mean right up against the stage, as in, I could stroke Kori's keyboard if I was feeling stalker-ish. (Wait, did I?) For me it felt like Beatlemania. I had to hold back tears and breathe through heart palpitations. I mean, I've seen them before, but still. Mates of State rocks like none other. They did some new stuff from Mountaintops and lots of old favorites. When they busted out with "You Are Free" I could hardly stand it. We sang at the top of our lungs with the rest of the crowd.
It was over all too soon, even if it was past 1 a.m. After the encore and exit, I hopped on stage to snag the set list. We hung around and had it autographed, as a final touch to the magical night.
I can't remember ever being that genuinely surprised, and it truly was one of the best nights of my life. We were wild and living.

Sick Jokes

2011-10-13T21:35:00.003-04:00

I've been sick this week with some kind of cold. I hate it. I stayed home Monday and went to the doc to rule out strep. I don't mess around with that possibility. Negativo, thankfully. So, back to work and ending my days exhausted and trying to inhale with some kind of consistency. I've got a honey menthol eucalyptus natural throat drop in my mouth right now, and it's doing the trick. The trick that treats. Ooh, I just thought of a joke...

A guy walks into a bar on Halloween night and says "Liquor treat?"

Ha ha. Then the bar tender is like, "Why the scary face?" and the guy is like, "It's a mask," and the bar tender says, "What are you supposed to be?" and the guy is like, "Drinking. Now pour me a shot." The bar tender doesn't like his attitude and warns him, "Don't ever show your face in here again," to which the guy replies, "I'm not showing my face. We've gone over this," so the bar tender just says, "Get lost," and the guy says "Alright, this place is a wasteland anyway" and leaves. The name of the bar actually is Wasteland, which the guy didn't realize. It's unfortunate because he likes clever names and missed the opportunity to go "Ahh, clever name." He himself owns a private trash company with his brother called Take-It-Away-Boys. It was between that and Haulin' Ass To Haul Yo' Trash. Anyway, long story short, now he's out on the street thirsty with the mask and the edge still on.

And that, I guess, is all for now. Good night!

Je-nay

2011-09-27T21:07:00.003-04:00

It's so disappointing when I check my blog and see that it hasn't been updated.

So, yes, I'm enjoying the new Mates of State album. Also enjoying: a foodie memoir, the cool air, riding bikes with Stella (the girl did 4 miles with me last week!), rearranging and organizing things, stretching my sore muscles, coffee, being a Mystery Reader for second graders. On the horizon: creating a pumpkin for the fall festival, a writer's conference, an eye exam, finishing this glass of Pinot Noir, the next sentence.

And that's all I have to say about that box of chocolates. I may not be a smart man, but I know what vacation is. Sometimes there just aren't enough seats on the bus, so you keep on running.

Brand New Joy

2011-09-12T18:19:00.003-04:00

There's some brand new joy in the world in the form of a brand new Mates of State album! Mountaintops hits stores tomorrow, but you can preview it online here. So, so good. Absolutely my favorite band ever, ever.

Proud

2011-09-08T20:50:00.005-04:00

I got my first burn on the job yesterday. I say first because from what I gather there are bound to be many. (I gather hot pans all day!) I quickly pulled my left arm away from the fresh-outta-the-oven tray of chicken nuggets, and I felt kinda proud seeing the newly formed burn mark. Between that and accidentally pointing the hose at my face instead of the floor, I think I'm well initiated into Lunch Lady Land. I just hope I never lock myself in the walk-in freezer. (Why did I type that?! I might as well type "jinx double jinx help me out of here!") Now I can tell you with firsthand authority that middle schoolers LOVE tator tots. You know it's true...you probably love them too.

Speaking of schoolers, Rosie started pre-K this week. That kid is beyond the cuteness of Cutie Pie. She is the cutest stemmed cherry poised at the cutest angle surrounded by cutely colorful rainbow sprinkles covering a cute scoop of strawberry ice cream sitting atop Extra Super Cutie Pie baked by the world's cutest baker from Cuteville. Three days in and she loves school. Not a single tear, only big smiles and cheerfully described details of each day's activities. I am a proud mama.

Happy September

2011-09-04T10:36:00.008-04:00

Hey you. It's September, and that means sapphires and school and forget-me-nots and autumn and a thousand other delights. My calendar says Self Improvement Month and Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. Why not be aware this month of ways we can grow and ways we can take care of our precious ovaries, making courageous choices and bold steps toward personal health and authentic happiness? Why not summon the astounding strength and surprising creativity that resides in our deepest depths, giving new life to ancient potential?

September also means remembrance, of course, so it is not without its pain. We honor the past and our great loss. We think about where we were when it all went down, when everything changed. Our landscape altered unexpectedly, we must rely on our memories and look to minute beauties for solace.

(Ne m'oubliez pas.)

Today, the 4th, we earthlings see a First Quarter Moon. The first quarter moon rises at noon, reaches its zenith at sunset, then sets around midnight. It is not uncommon to see this moon during the daylight hours, and I think that makes for one lucky day. I hope you see it and howl quietly, knowing we are in orbit together, going through our phases, trusting that the light is always there no matter how much is illuminated.

Happy September...a thousand delights to you.

My Writing Life

2011-08-30T21:10:00.002-04:00

It's been almost a year, I think...maybe...it was in the fall, since I realized I want to be a writer. Or, since I realized I love writing and aspire to be a published writer. That realization, happened upon by working through The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, has changed my life, the whole feeling of it. I have this goal, this project, this process always with me, always in my mind. I've worked hard researching the children's book market, studying up on the craft, reading tons of picture books, writing drafts and revisions, and connecting with other writers. I meet once a month with a critique group to give each other feedback on our work. It's wonderful.

At the moment, I have three main picture book projects in motion. One I submitted to a magazine and am awaiting word. If I get the ol' rejection notice I'll revise, revise, revise. I recently queried an agent about another story, which I also entered into two contests this summer. I worked very hard on that manuscript, from the first spark of the idea, to plotting, researching, and writing numerous drafts. I had So Much Fun with it. I am guaranteed feedback from an editor who is judging one of the contests, so I'm resting the story until then. The third project, my focus at present, is actually the story I wrote last fall to launch this whole endeavor. I'm so excited about revising it and making it stronger. I'm fascinated with the revision process.

That's the inside scoop, for those interested. I'll take any advice and/or encouragement you've got to offer on the subject. Well, I'll take the encouragement and consider the advice!

My Reading Life

2011-08-28T12:19:00.006-04:00

A child sitting in rapt silence in front of a page
--just listening--

is creating the book along with the writer.
~Madeleine L'Engle

I love reading to my kids, always have. We visit the library at least once a week and load up on picture books. Now we add chapter books to the lot because Stella love-love-loves to read. She and Rosie and I will sit on the couch in the afternoon and go through our stash. Stella reads everyday on her own. She's into the Magic Tree House series and the Rainbow Magic fairy collection. Then I read to the girls individually at bedtime--picture books again for Rosie and classics with Stella. We recently went through Charlotte's Web, Stuart Little and Trumpet of the Swan by E.B. White. Then we were on a Beverly Cleary kick. Good God, she is a great writer. Now we're in the middle of Mr. Popper's Penguins by Richard and Florence Atwater. I never read it, but so far it's highly entertaining. I love-love-love that I get to enjoy these new and classic children's books everyday. It is absolutely magical to discover and rediscover stories with my eager and curious daughters.

On my own, in the carpool line or in the bath or bed at night, I get to read to myself. I used to read mostly fictional novels, then switched to memoir and empowering women type books for a while, now I mix it up with whatever I want to read whenever I want to read it. I just finished Wickett's Remedy by Myla Goldberg, author of a personal favorite, Bee Season. This one was not a personal favorite, but I'm glad I read it. This week I've been reading cookbooks (Nigella Lawson is really entertaining!) and looking forward to my next "real" book choice. I like the in-between phase, the choosing. What will it be? What world will I enter? What truth will I discover in rapt silence?

The Job

2011-08-25T21:06:00.003-04:00

Two weeks down as a working woman! Of course, I've been working for decades in one way or another, but now I don a new uniform and name tag. Like Laverne & Shirley, I've got enthusiasm, spunk, and just a bit of confusion. I start my shift at 9 a.m. prepping and cooking. We (me and the other 10 Food Service Assistants a.k.a 9 Lunch Ladies and 1 Lunch Man) take a quick lunch break and then serve our carefully prepared food to hundreds of hungry kids. Finally, we clean--easy as Shepherd's Pie! Out by 1:30.

Cleaning is the worst part. As the rookie employee, I've been on pot scrubbin' duty. The best part is when a certain handsome music teacher comes through my line. More than one co-worker has observed how he lights up when he sees me for those thirty seconds. I feel kinda bright myself.

I've been tired, that's for sure. The other night I fell asleep in Stella's bed while tucking her in. Oopsers. Speaking of which, it's that time. Good night, ya'll, I gotta work in the morning!

Hello Again, Pencils and Books

2011-08-14T21:21:00.003-04:00

School starts tomorrow for our district here in Georgia. We are excited as can be--did a little dance and everything. Stella starts second grade, and we have heard wonderful things about her teacher. Here are a few of the supplies she needed, before she got the second list of supplies she also needs.
Joel begins another year as the World's Best middle school orchestra director, or at least Quite Beloved By Those Who Know Him middle school orchestra director. And I begin my career serving America's favorite lunch foods to America's hungry youth. Rosie will be hanging with her grandma until preschool starts in a few weeks. Ch-ch-ch-changes! Catch ya on the flip side.

Detox Conclusion

2011-08-07T14:24:00.004-04:00

I haven't had a drop of caffeine, alcohol, sugar or flour in over two weeks now. This past week I consumed about 28 cups of vegetables and 5 quarts of homemade vegetable broth. I feel like I've given my body a gift, and I see no better choice than to keep on giving. I will stick close to the UltraSimple Diet for awhile, adding in raw veggies, hummus, fresh fruit, maybe some red meat. I'm no vegetarian! I'll hold off on flour, sugar and dairy for now, but likely pop open the pretty bottle of Pinot Noir sitting on our wine rack. Imagine my pleasure and delight when I taste coffee and chocolate again! No rush though. Wild patience always.

I'm a little sad, you know, about summer ending, and nervous about upcoming changes. Rosie in school, me working. It's the end of an era (you might say.) The beginning of an era too, as it goes. I'll adjust to my new eating habits and to my new routine, and it will be fabulous because it is Life.

Detox Day 5

2011-08-04T21:25:00.003-04:00

I'm still going strong with the diet, enjoying my shakes and broth and baths. I determined that I love sauteed kale but prefer spinach raw. Since I have not had sugar in almost two weeks, I'm amazed at how sweet one little grape tastes. Joel has grilled me some killer chicken and salmon, so dinners have been delish. My mood has been even-tempered and positive, my breathing seems clearer and deeper, and I lost 5 pounds. I feel healthy! As this week nears an end, I wonder what I'll eat next week. I can't just resort to my old habits...must develop a plan.

In other food news, I got a job! I signed the paperwork today and got my badge. I'll be a Food Service Assistant at the same school where Joel teaches. Yep, a Lunch Lady! It ain't a glamorous gig, but I couldn't ask for a better situation. My hours are 9 to 1:30, so I will not miss any time with my girls. I can get them ready for school in the morning and pick them up at 2. Both their schools are literally seconds away from mine. Plus, I'll have all the same breaks and holidays. So, it's sort of the end of my stay-at-home-mom days, but it doesn't feel like it because I'll be with them in the early morning, all afternoon and evening. I'm very grateful.

Gotta go take an UltraBath now. G'night!

Detox Day 2

2011-08-01T16:32:00.005-04:00

I'm enjoying my afternoon broth as I type these very words. And these words. And these. It's yummy, and so are my breakfast shakes and everything else about this diet so far. Yesterday, Day 1, I sauteed kale for lunch, and ate chicken & leeks for dinner with a side of sweet potaters. Today's lunch was butternut squash spiced up with onion, garlic & curry powder. I cooked my big batch of brown rice with turmeric to give it some pizazz.

Hmm..."pizazz" reminds me of pizza...yum...but honestly, I'm not even tempted to eat any junk food at the moment.

My energy and mood are elevated, which tends to come out via silly songs throughout the day. I riffed on Rubber Ducky for a while and made up an entertaining ditty about not fitting in the booster seat. Good times, great vegetables.

Whattayaknow! Rosie just asked if she could have a cup of UltraBroth. I told you it was good.

On the strange side, I woke up this morning with itchy palms and soles of my feet. A mild rash has uniformly appeared on these extremities. I don't know if this is related to my diet changes or if I did the crab walk in poison ivy or what. Any ideas?

More later, sweet potaters!

The Next 7 Days

2011-07-30T17:28:00.009-04:00

I successfully avoided alcohol, caffeine, sugar and flour this week. It was not too bad, not too bad. Today I had the pleasure of shopping for the upcoming week. Three stores, lots o' veggies. Here's my loot:

And here's the plan:

Breakfast
Lemon juice and hot water
1 cup decaf green tea
UltraShake

Morning Snack
1 cup UltraBroth
Another UltraShake (if hungry)

Lunch
2 cups or more of steamed or lightly sauteed veggies
1/2 cup cooked brown rice
1/2 cup fruit or berries for dessert
UltraShake (optional)

Afternoon Snack
1 cup UltraBroth
UltraShake (if hungry)

Dinner
4-6 ounces fish or chicken breasts cooked with olive oil & lemon juice OR 4-6 ounces tofu or legumes (spiced up)
2 cups or more of steamed or lightly sauteed veggies
1/2 cup cooked brown rice
1 cup UltraBroth

The UltraShake involves almond milk, nut butter, flax oil, flaxseeds and fruit. I'm making the UltraBroth from onion, carrots, radishes, squash, parsnips, turnips, kale, turnip greens, celery, seaweed, cabbage, ginger, garlic, shiitake mushrooms and sea salt. It smells delicious.

Each night I will enjoy the UltraBath. That's 2 cups of Epsom salts, 1 cup of baking soda and 10 drops of lavender oil in bathwater as hot as I can tolerate. Twenty minutes then straight to bed. It all sounds divine if you ask me.

More Preparation

2011-07-25T21:18:00.004-04:00

Dr. Hyman includes a Toxicity and Inflammation Quiz to take before and after the 7-day UltraSimple Diet, plus journaling exercises to use throughout. According to the quiz, my health status now is "moderate imbalance," on a scale of optimal health to severe imbalance. My score was worse than I expected. But it means I may receive the following benefits: increased energy, improved mood, weight loss, improved digestion, better skin, less nasal congestion, plus reduced joint pain, muscle aches, headaches and more. Yay! Here are the questions I'll ponder before next week:

List your three most physically toxic behaviors.
List your three most toxic habits of mind.
List your three most toxic relationships. What purpose do they serve? What prevents you from giving them up?
What would your life look and feel like without these behaviors, habits and relationships?

It would feel more pure and wholesome, I think. Healthier and truer to my authentic self. More enjoyable. Meanwhile, as long as I don't envision a bubbly slice of pizza for too long, the flour-sugar-caffeine-alcohol elimination ain't too bad.

UltraPreparation Week

2011-07-24T13:23:00.004-04:00

Today is Day 1 of eliminating caffeine, sugar, flour and alcohol from my diet. None of those things for at least two weeks. This week is preparation for next week, when I go UltraSimple for seven days, eliminating dairy, red meat and a bunch of other stuff I usually eat. It's a very specific plan for revitalizing my health and boosting my energy, and I intend to share more with you as I go. I have been nervous about the whole idea, but today I'm excited. Nervous and excited is usually a good sign. Wish me luck!

To Life!

2011-07-20T14:35:00.007-04:00

Hello from this side of thirty-three! Yesterday I relaxed with a massage and then baked myself a cake. Both were delicious. Strawberry Cream Cake, Melon Sangria, Hibiscus Mint Tea and a few girlfriends made it a happy birthday for sure.

I also had a happy anniversary and a happy trip to Texas. Family is a good great thing.

So are pinto beans.

The year is halfway over; summertime too. At Brezny's recommendation, here's a list of tasks I'm willing to tackle before the seasons change: taste test tomatoes, do fifty push-ups without pausing, name every tree in my yard, write a story about the next person who leaves a comment, and hug my guitar until I feel it hug me back. I'm not asking for money, just encouragement.

Incidentally, if you are looking to donate money to a worthy cause, support independent film here. That's my sister on the byline and my daughter's wisdom at the start of the video. Don't you love seeing things come to life?

Deep in the Heart

2011-07-13T09:36:00.003-04:00

In a few hours I'll be in the clouds on my way to San Antonio. Tonight I'll be in a familiar kitchen eating tamales with my beautiful 89-year-old Grandma, Evelyn Rosa Paulina. Forty or fifty family members will gather to celebrate her 90th birthday on Friday, over more Mexican food. That's what we eat in Texas, while we drink Big Red soda and shout "Hot Dog!" when someone scores a Yahtzee. It's hot there, but not too hot for the aloe and pecan trees to grow. Not too hot to stand on my head and sing Oh My Darlin' in a talent show. Not too hot to give a tight hug to cousins and aunts and uncles I rarely see. And those stars at night, you know about them. We'll have a Full Moon to boot--I hope there are lassos on hand. Adios, amigos!

Soooooo Wonderful

2011-07-06T08:50:00.005-04:00

Oh. My. Y. Last night I went to the YMCA after an unintended two month hiatus. Maybe it was longer? All that traveling and yard work kept me away. It felt sooooooo wonderful to be back at the gym. A tread mill warm up followed by yoga class left me in fitness bliss. Fitbliss. I've got to work off the gallons of ice cream and beer I've been enjoying lately.

Also enjoying lately: black coffee. A year ago I cut out the sugar, and a month ago I cut out the cream. This was a goal of mine. It feels sooooooo wonderful to achieve a longtime goal.

Another longtime but vaguely broad goal: healthy eating. I want to create vibrant health by eating nourishing foods. Do you like the frou-frou way I worded that? Do you like my use of self-deprecation upon making a serious statement that resonates with my soul? I admit, sometimes a Pop Tart is nourishing, depending on my mental state, but overall I know I need those leafy green whole grain chock full o' goodness real deal foods. So, after my birthday in two weeks, because this year I need a celebratory strawberry cake and pitcher of sangria, plus we're going to Texas where brisket and tamales grow, I'm going on a 7-day program to reset my diet. There, I said it out loud, so I have to follow through. (To make that last sentence true, I literally read the previous statement out loud.) I'll eliminate all bad foods and eat only good foods according to Mark Hyman's UltraSimple Diet. The plan includes a fancy broth every day, a fancy bath every night, and promises of peace and clear skin. Then, as I reintroduce foods, I can note how they make me feel.

A note about how I feel now: a tiny bit sore, a tiny bit caffeinated, a tiny bit hopeful about making changes and Taking Care.

Beach-Living

2011-06-25T12:19:00.002-04:00

Last Thursday we drove up to Pennsylvania, spent the weekend with Joel's dad and brother, played at Dorney Park and Wild Water Kingdom for a day, then vacationed at the Jersey Shore for the week. We went to the beach each morning and the boardwalk each night. Stella got her ears pierced on the boardwalk--she is looking shinier. I got a henna tattoo--my ankle is looking more swan-like. I collected shell fragments from the sand--a bag full--with total fascination. Each fragment gained its shape and texture from the tide. Its color too? I don't know. So mysterious, that ocean. Meanwhile I've been reading Anne Morrow Lindbergh's Gift from the Sea. Fitting, and amazing, with lots of wise insights included. Here's the portion I happened to read as we left the shore:

We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return...

Perhaps this is the most important thing for me to take back from beach-living: simply the memory that each cycle of the tide is valid; each cycle of the wave is valid; each cycle of a relationship is valid. And my shells? I can sweep them all into my pocket. They are only there to remind me that the sea recedes and returns eternally.

Haiku Updates

2011-06-16T09:04:00.003-04:00

Backyard progressing,
Stella feeling fantastic,
Magic summer days.

Submitted story,
Traveling to Allentown,
More magic to come.

Backyard Images

2011-06-05T15:59:00.009-04:00

where i drink my coffee. basil off the kitchen window. view from the deck.

yin yang herb garden (awaiting herbs). bird bath. annuals.

garden plot (awaiting plants). prayer flags. bamboo garden. hope.

mother joy. fairy trail. compost bin.

mint. orange mint. next project.

Post-Op Update (Post-Opdate)

2011-06-04T14:29:00.003-04:00

Stella is doing quite well, recovering like a champ. As far as surgeries go, this has been a great experience. Every staff member at Children's Healthcare at Scottish Rite was friendly and comforting so that we felt well taken care of every minute there. We arrived, registered, waited. A nurse showed us to our room where it already said "Welcome, Stella" on the door. After lots of questions and meeting caregivers, Stella drank some Goofy Juice. I do not condone underage drinking, but it sure is funny to see your 7-year-old under the influence. She does not remember that part: the slurred speech, counting imaginary balloons, pointing at multiple Spongebobs floating around the TV. We walked her to the end of the hall, kissed her Good Luck and then sat in the room praying. The actual tonsillectomy/adenoidectomy took about 20 minutes, and we saw Stella after an additional 30 minutes or so. She was upset afterward, complaining about her sore throat. Poor girl. She quickly got a cherry slushy and a nap, and then we got to go home. Now it's popsicles, water ice, ice cream, pudding, jello, yogurt, juice juice juice and even an egg or two. She's busy napping and reading and coloring and playing Poptropica on the computer. Another week of taking it easy and she'll be running around like a kid on summer break.

Thank you so much for your support and visits and gifts!

Surgery

2011-06-01T07:48:00.003-04:00

At noon today my girl gets her tonsils out. And adenoids. In preparation, we retreated to the woods on Monday for a night of camping complete with creek jumping, star gazing, marshmallow roasting and lake swimming. And me saying, "Watch out, that's poison ivy!"

I am like poison ivy radar this time of year. I do a real good job of identifying it and, if it's in our yard, pulling it up by the roots. Alas, my hands and neck suffer the effects. [Double Itchy Ouch!] I wear gloves, I swear.

After her violin lesson last night, Stella had a dinner date with Dad and a library/Dunkin' Donuts date with Mom. She is armed with at least twenty chapter books for her recovery, plus a plethora of videos and a ceramic fairy bell for beckoning us. The scoop boy at Rita's Water Ice will know us by name for the next seven to ten days.

So, dear friends, take a moment to send good vibrations and healing prayers and, for extra credit, get well cards or balloons. Five hours from now we will all breathe deeply and with relief.

My Problem

2011-05-27T08:35:00.008-04:00

I went to four doctors this week, a personal record. It began with a routine wellness visit with my chiropractor. She sent me to my family doc who sent me to a vascular surgeon. It was unsettling to suddenly be in the position of needing to rule out an aortic aneurysm. I say unsettling, but you know I was scared. I was mentally composing impassioned letters for my daughters to read when they're older and silently grieving the early loss of this life I love while I sat filling out forms in the waiting room. I went to one more specialist to make sure everything was okay.

It is. It's all okay. It's actually humorous, the final diagnosis.

I know, in the way that we know things, my body was giving me a specific message. I listened. Meanwhile, Anne Lamott is giving me a specific message. Well, she specifically gave it eight years ago to Berkeley grads, but I hope to listen for years to come.

"Your problem is how you are going to spend this one odd and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over people and circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are."

This week, between doctors' offices, I am enjoying dirt and rain and paint and beer and Adele and family and windows down. As for the truth about who I am...skinny and ovulating and okay.

Glimpse.

2011-05-25T08:33:00.004-04:00

Recital.
JOY.

Beer.

Yard.

(More to come.)

All About the Yard

2011-05-19T08:28:00.003-04:00

The past couple days I have been working in my yard as much as possible. My mantra of the moment is "Progress, not Perfection." There are sticks and pine cones to bag, weeds to pull, grass to mow, plants to plant, dirt to sift, stones to turn, flags to hang, signs to paint and post.

I really truly love my yard. Really truly. It has become a sacred space with plenty of room for imaginative play and meditation. It is not flat with lush uniform grass. You would not play badminton here. The front is covered in clover, wild strawberry and dandelions. We've got swaying pines, maples and a towering sweet gum tree. (That sweet gum tree has dropped thousands of ankle-biting gumballs in the past few months, and for a while I hated them until curiosity took over and Nature won me with its intricate wonder.) The girls and I created a Fairy Trail in one corner, and a bamboo garden made itself known in the other corner. This week I've been working the soil in the garden plot my neighbor kindly tilled for me. I'm tempted to keep it As Is and use it as a Zen garden for raking and sifting. But I suppose my love for vegetables will soon lead me to fill it with plants. Maybe.

I'll post pictures. Pinky promise. They won't be perfect, but they'll be true.

Buffy 5.16

2011-05-16T15:49:00.005-04:00

Hello, kind friends, family, and other random readers. Life is rough at the moment. Life is rough because of death. Moms just shouldn't die.

Joss Whedon had it right, omitting music. And Anya, formerly immortal, said it bluntly and well:

"But I don't understand. I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I knew her, and then she's—there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead ... anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And ... and Xander's crying and not talking, and ... and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why."

I know the reasons, and they have their moments, but for now it's Why? and dreamlike silence.

Lynn

2011-05-06T23:38:00.003-04:00

My mother-in-law died two days ago. I'm using her laptop this moment, in the apartment where she stayed the last few months, with her earrings in my pocket. I'll wear them to her funeral tomorrow, and I'll cry. I cried in the hospital room as I witnessed, with the rest of the family, her death. Untimely.

Lynn had unmatched enthusiasm when one of us shared good news. She was at the Martin factory the day I bought my guitar, and she was as excited as I was. You'd have thought the guitar was for her. I'll never forget that afternoon.

And I'll never forget seeing on her bookshelf the entire Twilight series, sitting proudly next to Harry Potter. I was already planning to ask if she'd tag along to the first Twilight movie with me, since I was up in Pennsylvania at the time. I felt utter delight to discover she already read the books. We saw the first two movies together and swooned for the love of vampires and werewolves.

I didn't get a chance to tell her about the ten dollar check Mattel sent me last week from the Dora dollhouse recall several years ago. Lynn bought Stella the dollhouse and just about every available accessory. We talked on the phone when the lead paint scare hit the news. She would have laughed to hear I got that refund all these years later.

She would have laughed and shared joy and seen the last Twilight movie with me, and so much more...

Dream Language

2011-04-26T08:51:00.003-04:00

I wholeheartedly and passionately believe in the wisdom, guidance, nourishment and healing that comes from our dreams. This wholehearted passionate belief started when a freaky bird haunted me in a dream, continued haunting me when I was awake, and then changed my life. The life-changing, i.e. awareness and healing, happened when I worked with the dream and interacted with the image. (I admit that I have spent almost two years talking to an imaginary bird, but on the other truer hand, I have spent two years listening to my inner wisdom.)

Last night I dreamed about an old pink t-shirt, but really it was about hidden feelings of shame concerning who I have become. I was only vaguely aware of this shame, but now I am consciously aware and can deal with it.

When I woke up this morning it was just a random pink t-shirt. The wisdom came from working with the image, and I want to tell YOU how YOU TOO can find the meaning behind random dream images! It's never just a freaky bird or a pink t-shirt, a video game or model trees or a french horn. Random images are the language of dreams. Here is a link to a guide for dreamwork by Robert Hoss, profound scientist and director of the DreamScience foundation. I recently heard him speak at a retreat and participated in a workshop with him there about the "Six Magic Questions." (Sound kooky enough? Embrace the kookiness, dreamers!) Use the guide or something like it (Martha Beck has a good one in her book Steering by Starlight) and see what feelings come up.

By the way, since dreams often bring to light difficult feelings like fear, resentment or shame, it is so important to listen and deal without self-judgment or guilt, but rather with curiosity, gratitude and gentleness. Always, always choose gentleness over guilt, curiosity over judgment, and be thankful for your sacred depths.

Post-Easter Post

2011-04-25T08:03:00.003-04:00

I trust you had a happy Easter. Really, I trust in that. I did. Experience happiness yesterday, that is. I experienced post-nap grogginess along with the happiness, but it was passing. The happiness remains. We dressed up in springtime dresses and went to church, took naps and then went to Grandma and Granddaddy's for a creative egg hunt on the hop-hop trail and a feast with the fancy china in the dining room. And now we have a big blue bowl of candy on our dining room table to take us through the next few weeks. The next few weeks could be rough, too. My baby (my seven-year-old baby) has surgery scheduled for May 4th. Goodbye tonsils and adenoids, hello oxygen while sleeping.

Speaking of my seven-year-old, I went into her classroom on Friday and performed three songs for the kids! Her teacher found out I write and asked if I'd come in. So I conjured up some children's songs for my repertoire and sang to them about a roaring dinosaur, perseverance, and green food. It was great fun. They "double-thanked" me and the teacher gave me a super compliment: "Now I can see why Stella is the way she is." Hey, if I'm anything like that kid, I must be doing something right.

Happy Easter, Happy Spring! Enjoy all this wonderful, fragile new life.

Voice.mp3

2011-04-22T10:32:00.005-04:00

Here's my new chorus, the one called "Voice." It's a work in progress, and a hell of a lot of fun. Turn up the volume for this one!

Voice

2011-04-19T08:46:00.005-04:00

This blog is a little over three years old now. I consider these years transformational in my life. Not because of my blog, but because of an entirely new awareness and different outlook on everything from faith and femininity to love and joy. And beets. If you asked me three years ago, I would have said, "Beets are the only food I don't like." If you asked me yesterday or today, I would tell you, "Beets are awesome."

I realize, though, that I am still undergoing transformation. Not in the beets arena (insert image of sporty beets in sweatbands fighting in an arena full of fans...I'll beet you down, man...I root for beets!), but in my personal arena (Ego vs. Authentic Self...Who will win the battle of fear against joy?)

A huge benefit of keeping a blog is that it develops your voice--your writing voice, your opinion, your self expression to the myriad readers across the world who leave dozens of comments every day. (Well, the one or two readers who leave a comment every few months [wink wink].) And voice, faithful readers, is the word of the hour.

...and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined...

That's a chopped off portion of Mary Oliver's poem The Journey. It's the relevant portion for my new hour of transformation. And I've got a relevant new chorus singing in my head.

Now to write the verses.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow It's a Wonderful Life

2011-04-13T08:02:00.003-04:00

I had so much fun this past weekend. An old friend came to visit, and an old sister too. (Long-time and older, not literally old.) Add to the mix a younger sister and a long-time husband--oh, the fun that we had. Rollerskating and singing karaoke and doing high-pitched Jimmy Stewart morphed into Judy Garland impressions. That last part was just me, but everyone was laughing. We watched Nic Cage scream and a little girl sing, read six word stories and recalled our own more lengthy intertwined tales. If I had to sum it up in six...

Old tribe laughs new memories; Loves.

I'd lasso the moon for any one of the people in my home this past weekend. (There's no place like wherever I'm with you.)

Movies & Munchies

2011-04-04T20:46:00.006-04:00

I'm home alone this week, well, home alone with the kids. My hubby went to visit his family for a few days. So I borrowed a couple of movies from the library, and last night I watched Being Julia starring Annette Bening. It was a good film with a satisfying ending. And I ate half a bag of Tostitos Artisan Recipes Roasted Garlic and Black Bean chips. Dang, those things are addictive. Must be the yeast extract.

I've always liked Annette Bening, especially in her American movies (The American President & American Beauty.) And, random fact about me, I liked her hubby so much that I hung this poster in my bedroom back in the early 90's:
So random! I saw Dick Tracy opening night at the theater--what can I say? He was one legendary police detective, fending off the likes of Big Boy Caprice and Breathless Mahoney!

Tonight I'll watch Just Like Heaven starring Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo. My expectations are not too high for this one, but you never know. Incidentally, Annette Bening co-starred with Ruffalo last year in The Kids Are All Right, so...there's a connection. And he was in You Can Count On Me with Laura Linney who was in Mystic River with Kevin Bacon. Pow.

I suppose I might as well finish the chips too. Good night!

Bodily Functions

2011-04-03T22:03:00.002-04:00

"Remember always that 90 percent of your bodily functions take place without your conscious input. Who keeps your heart beating? Who metabolizes your food? Who tells you when you need to replenish your fluid intake by drinking water? Who heals your skin when you cut yourself? Who tells your ears to listen to beautiful music? Who tells your eyes to see beautiful sunsets? Acknowledge that your body is a miracle and that its natural state is health and joy."

~Christiane Northrup, M.D., Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom

Weather Report

2011-03-28T07:52:00.005-04:00

Here's what's been happening: A lot of thunder and lightning. The fact that these things occur in the atmosphere blows my mind. What is that noise that shakes us? That flash that divides the sky? Whatever it is, it brings the kids into our bed for some snuggly snuggling, and the wonder and joy make up for the lack of sleep.

Along with rain and hail outside, we've had some stormy weather inside. My mother-in-law, bless her Irish heart (and I mean that sincerely, not in the all too common Southern "bless her heart" that precedes an insult way), is undergoing radiation and chemotherapy in Philadelphia. Cancer just plain sucks. She's taking it like a champ, and we're taking it on our knees.

Otherwise, I've been busy working and Room Mom-ing and writing and such. I created a killer banner for Teacher Appreciation Week (pictured below) and finished the first draft of my latest manuscript. Thursday I'll be at the zoo visiting my old friends. Yes, I'm talking about the animals. I'll be the wild one in the middle of a zillion first graders, enjoying every moment.

This one has my attention.

2011-03-16T09:29:00.003-04:00

I was leaving the big event. I didn't quite fit in, not at my table anyway, and I couldn't get more than a glimpse at the people outside. Walking out, alone, I got a call on my cell phone. I looked at the caller ID and it said "The Devil." Hello? He wanted me to babysit for him, but I refused. He tried to persuade me, but still I said no. He was with some girl in his car. She could not believe my denial, but I think she admired my confidence. What does this say about me? I've got The Devil on speed dial; I'll take his call but I won't babysit his kids? So here I am, the big event is over, and I'm walking alone to who knows where. The world, it seems, is before me, behind me, and heavy on my shoulders. This I know: I've got to find the fun. Like Faith told Buffy.

What Does It Smell?!

2011-03-07T20:56:00.004-05:00

Today I finished reading A Natural History of the Senses by Diane Ackerman. It's a beautifully written tour and celebration of our five senses. Regarding vision and color, she tells the story of standing in front of a huge piece of sulfur in a museum and crying. Why? Because "isn't it extraordinary to be alive on a planet where there are yellows such as this?" I love when people say stuff like that.

What struck me most in this full, rich book was the section on noses. She mentions what an amazing sense of smell certain animals have--pigs, squirrels, bloodhounds, salmon, butterflies--and writes:

"When we are told that a human has five million olfactory cells, it seems like a lot. But a sheepdog, which has 220 million, can smell 44 times better than we can. What does it smell? What are we missing?"

To imagine the aromas surrounding us at every moment, and we have no idea! In conclusion, "However many of life's large, captivating principles and small, captivating details we may explore, unpuzzle, and learn by heart, there will still be vast unknown realms to lure us."

Three cheers for the known, and 44 times more for the unknown!

Random Thoughts

2011-03-01T17:32:00.005-05:00

Whenever I see signs advertising Seasoned Firewood, I picture lumberjacks with aluminum shakers pouring salt and paprika onto piles of freshly cut wood.

If I am in the car and I state my location out loud, like "We're getting onto I-75," to the kids or someone on the phone, I always imagine that I have just accidentally revealed this fact to a mysterious ill-intentioned listener. Like my car is bugged by someone who does not yet have access to GPS technology.

I cannot ever remember how to spell "vacuum." If it is one of the items on my To Do list, I let the letters stream together because I don't know better. I had the same problem with "broccoli" for a long time, until I realized broccoli has a lot of vitamin C in it, so it's two C's and one L. I suppose vacuums don't have much vitamin C in them at all. Mostly just dust. There are two U's in "just dust." Problem solved.

All three of these recurring thoughts came to my mind today, hence the sharing. Peace!

Weekend Mingling

2011-02-18T11:04:00.005-05:00

This weekend I attended the SCBWI Southern regional conference. The "SpringMingle." Once I crossed over from awkwardly standing around fidgeting to actual interactive mingling, it was wonderful. The speakers included two editors, an agent, an author and an illustrator, and the attendees included almost 200 talented, friendly published and pre-published writers and illustrators. In addition to meeting so many great people, I learned a great deal about the craft of writing and the business of making books. I had the chance to participate in a critique group and get feedback on a story of mine, and now I have the chance to completely rewrite it! Yes, I realized what I already knew, that I am just starting out and have a lot more to learn. The process, thankfully, is so very fun: reading and writing and reading and writing and reading and writing. And that's all I have to say about that because I have a story to work on.

How was your weekend?

Hope and Fear

2011-02-11T08:26:00.004-05:00

"That we hope to get what we want and fear losing what we have--this describes our habitual predicament.... We can never get life to work out so that we eliminate everything we fear and end up with all the goodies."

So, what then?

We practice opening up where we are closed. We practice softening where we are hardened. We accept our whole experience, even the painful parts, with courage.

"It is more a matter of being fully engaged with whatever comes to our door. We could call it being completely alive."

[quotes by Pema Chodron, The Places That Scare You]

Money = Numbers + Energy?

2011-02-09T12:27:00.003-05:00

Money, at this point, is nothing more than numbers. These numbers move incessantly from account to account through computers. We work hard performing services or selling goods, and then we get a piece of paper with numbers on it. Or maybe we don't even get a piece of paper--the numbers simply appear in our accounts. Then we use a plastic card with numbers on it to make the numbers on the cash register change to zero. Then we owe a big corporation numbers. We give them as many numbers as we must every 30 days. Occasionally we use cash, which is just numbers we agree are meaningful because they are printed a certain way.

This great number exchange causes an awful amount of stress.

I have heard that money is nothing more than energy. This sounds cool and appealing, like something I would say "Peace, Man, Cool, Yeah" about. But it confuses me. I haven't wrapped my head around it yet. (My head is less flexible and stretchy when it comes to certain subjects.) I know that there is Abundance in this universe. We will never lack stars or sand or leaves. I know that there is an infinite amount of space in our accounts for numbers to multiply. I believe that if we follow our passion with hard work, we will attract good things, like joy and clients and bacon. Maybe numbers too.

Money seems so arbitrary. I wish we could live our lives, take care of our needs, follow our passion with hard work and forget about the numbers. Alas, that is not our numerical reality. For now I dedicate myself to gratitude, contentment, and peace in the moment, ever gentle with myself when I slip into stress. I know enough to know that much.

Happy February (Be Free)

2011-02-01T10:02:00.006-05:00

Welcome to February. It's a short month, but full of deep, dark goodness. It's National Freedom Day today and National Mend a Broken Heart Month. So mend, friends--mend your hearts and be free! Who among us couldn't use a little mending? Even the slightest bit of attention can do wonders. Attention is caring, is tending, is mending, is magic for a broken heart. My seven-year-old daughter told me last week, "If you don't believe in magic, nothing will be magic." Believe in the magic that already resides in your heart! What else could keep it from shattering completely, could keep all that blood flowing, could keep you alive moment after beautiful moment? Believe, take care, and be free.

Exciting Times for J-Schro

2011-01-26T21:38:00.002-05:00

We were outside in t-shirts today, riding scooters and shootin' the breeze with neighbors. Wasn't it just a week or so ago we were all on sleds?

I feel excited, dear ones, and not solely due to the gorgeous weather. I'm excited about writing. Since I went through The Artist's Way and uncovered my desire to write, I've been taking practical step after practical step and loving it.

I joined the Society for Children's Book Writers & Illustrators in the fall. I've been reading, networking, and finding solid advice and critique. A few weeks ago, I attended a workshop hosted by a hugely successful picture book author. I registered for a big ol' conference at the end of February. I'm joining a monthly critique group. I created an inspiring bulletin board above my workspace. (I do love an inspiring bulletin board.) I've got a few manuscripts in various stages, and tomorrow I'll be mailing one off to a publisher with a wink and a prayer.

I know it's a tough business, but I'm totally determined, and I'm having so much fun! Here's a quote that resides at the top of my inspiring bulletin board:

"Rather than some kind of dogged pushing through, strong determination involves connecting with joy, relaxing and trusting. It's determination to use every challenge you meet as an opportunity to open your heart and soften, determination not to withdraw." ~Pema Chodron

Determination, yes, and always joy. Wish me luck!

I Got My Health

2011-01-24T15:21:00.006-05:00

Historically, at least in the past few years, I have had strep throat this time of year. Not in 2011 though! In fact, the last time I was sick was one year ago--a sure reason to celebrate for someone who suffered from strep and bronchitis and various other viral discomforts frequently throughout my entire life. A whole year without getting sick! There were a few days when I knew I needed extra rest or extra water or extra vitamins to fend off unwanted germs, so I fended, and it worked.

About a year-and-a-half ago I was asking some pretty big questions about life, and I saw a vivid image of myself (my true self? my future self?) boarding a train and telling me (the scared and disconnected part that was still here) that I would be okay, but that I was asking the wrong questions. I blogged some of these thoughts at the time. And then I felt very strongly that the right question was "How do I strengthen my immune system?" It seemed a bit ridiculous, totally irrelevant to the issues that were bothering me, until I read the following lines from Rachel Naomi Remen's Kitchen Table Wisdom:

"Our immune cells can recognize our own DNA logo and will consume any cell that does not carry it. The immune system is the defender of our identity on the cellular level, patrolling the Self/Not Self boundary constantly, discerning what is self from what is other, never sleeping."

So, the right question had to do with discerning my true nature, which I worked very hard to accomplish. And wouldn't you know it, my physical immune system came out stronger too.

Then again, maybe I've been healthy because my husband had a tonsillectomy last year. His loss of lymphoepithelial tissues, my gain of a strep-free year? Whatever factors contributed, I'm celebrating good health today!

Creations Creating [Yay Humans!]

2011-01-17T21:28:00.006-05:00

Etta James singing At Last. Come on, sister friends, you know what I'm saying. Or Stevie Wonder. (Stevie Wonderful.) If you are not being blown away on a regular basis, I don't think you are paying attention. People are amazing. I mean, yes, there's a lot of bullshit out there--injustice and greed and fear--but also, there have been mind-blowing creations popping up every day for millennia in this ever-evolving world. Every melody, painting, building plan, recipe and poem was created by a person. Not to say pigs aren't amazing. They can smell truffles under six inches of soil. But I hear a song, read some prose, walk through a toy store or navigate the internet and marvel at the ingenuity of our species. We are doing it, humankind, we're really doing it. Creating. Imagine what unimaginable creations are yet to appear! What string of words, what intricate fabric, what mouth-watering appetizer will knock your socks off next?

More Joy

2011-01-12T11:22:00.002-05:00

Pema Chodron, from her chapter "Finding the Ability to Rejoice" in The Places That Scare You:

"The key is to be here, fully connected with the moment, paying attention to the details of ordinary life. By taking care of ordinary things--our pots and pans, our clothing, our teeth--we rejoice in them. When we scrub a vegetable or brush our hair, we are expressing appreciation: friendship toward ourselves and toward the living quality that is found in everything. This combination of mindfulness and appreciation connects us fully with reality and brings us joy. When we extend attention and appreciation toward our environment and other people, our experience of joy gets even bigger."

Oh yeah. Joy in taking care.

Out of the Mouths

2011-01-05T21:07:00.003-05:00

This afternoon I asked my three-year-old, Rosie, some questions from her older sister Stella's homework activity calendar. (Stella chooses three or four activities each week from a calendar of options.)

First I asked, "What would you like to do better this year?" Rosie replied:

Make cookies.
Eat pizza.
Have a picnic.

Those are good resolutions if I ever saw a good resolution, which I have, and these fit the bill!

Then I told Rosie that Martin Luther King, Jr. dreamed of peace in the world, and asked, "What is your dream for the world?" Rosie's dream:

I want a kitty cat. And I wish I could be an angel. I would be, like, calm. Like you, Mommy. And I wish I could not see anyone talk with food in their mouth.

Next, I asked her to talk about the wind. She said, "Wind can fly us away." Follow-up question: "How do you know wind is blowing if you can't see it?" Answer: "You told me at school."

And for her final activity, I asked Rosie to make up a winter story or poem. She dictated the following, and I am not adding anything (except line breaks.)

Winter is cool.
Winter is cold.
We get to go sledding on winter.
Oh, and we get to make snow angels.

Winter is cool.
Winter is fast.
Winter is cold and we need jackets or sweaters.
Because, baby, it's cold outside.

The End.

This Just In:

2011-01-02T11:18:00.004-05:00

I'm officially a "guest author." Sounds fancy, right? My ego thinks so. [wink wink] Actually, I'm truly excited to have taken the opportunity to reflect and write about 2010, and thrilled that my story resonated with a few people. You can check out my article on Christine Kane's website. She's a singer/songwriter/life coach/all-around inspiring woman from Asheville, NC. Here's the linky dink:

http://christinekane.com/blog/2010-word-of-the-year-vibrant/

In other news, I'm the grateful new owner of a Blue Snowball microphone, and itching to record. My initial test brought tears to the ol' lacrimal glands. I naively had no idea how much difference a good microphone makes. [Thank you, Joel...the perfect gift.]

Stay tuned! And stay in touch. Because touch makes sense, you know?

Out the old, In the new

2010-12-29T14:26:00.007-05:00

Lots of reflection going on here. Not because I'm sitting by a mirror or a clear lake. Because it's time to ring out the old year and ring in the new.

I've sat with 2010 awhile--thought about the ways I met my resolution, recognized specific turning points, and considered the significance of my personal Word of the Year (Vibrant!). A big Thank You to the Universe for these meetings and turns and significances. Seriously.

I've sat with 2011 a bit, too. You know how people casually tell you to "Take care" when they say goodbye? Well, a few months ago, I met a wise woman who I take very seriously, and she looked thoughtfully into my eyes and told me, quite uncasually, in her kind, intentional voice: "I can see you have these depths. Take care of them." I absolutely loved her advice, and so my guiding thought for the coming year is Taking Care.

It means allowing my own nature and sacred depths to become a part of my every day. It is a reminder to honor my journey, listen to my intuition, nurture myself in all areas, serve my family, take practical steps toward my goals, and stay connected to Joy.

Your loved ones give you gifts for Hanukkah or Christmas. For New Year's, I believe in giving yourself a gift in the form of a resolution, guiding word, quote, affirmation, cheer, song, or whatever will inspire you for the next twelve months and permanently enrich your life. (To ring in the new, give yourself a gift that rings true!)

Happy New Year, dear friends, and Take Care.

Merry and Bright

2010-12-27T12:00:00.008-05:00

We had a White Christmas here in Georgia. And I don't mean we sat around in ironic t-shirts eating quiche and snapping out of rhythm to old Boston albums. I mean snow, baby! Snow started falling around eleven a.m. and kept on falling all day. So gorgeous. It added to the Christmas magic created by twinkly lights and festive family feasts and carols around the tree and the all that anticipation.

I hosted our family's traditional Christmas Eve chili dinner, followed by singing in the living room. Thirteen people this year! That means two big pots of chili, 8 or 9 hot sauce choices, one piano, one guitar, one violin and a jingle bell or three.

As the music-making slowed down and it was time to think about bed, we put on a recording of Mariah Carey singing Joy to the World. I had heard it on the radio a few weeks ago and kept mentioning it. Well, you know it's a joyful Joy to the World if thirteen people can't help but jump up and dance! One of favorite things in this life is an impromptu dance party. Combine that with family on Christmas Eve, and I call that Love.

Love is the word on Christmas, for sure. It's a unique feeling, that holiday love. Unique and evergreen.

Eyes All Aglow

2010-12-20T21:55:00.001-05:00

Oh, there you are. I was wondering. Our tree is trimmed and our halls are decked and our deck is dressed with lights. Our lights are lit and our little girls are excited for Christmas day. Christmas day is around the bend, just a few more nights and here it is, the most wonderful time of the year. I've got winter on my mind, the sun and the solstice, not to mention the total lunar eclipse. I'm thinking New Year thoughts: guiding words and resolutions. I'm wondering when I'm going to slow down the way I need to and speed up the way I need to. I'm thinking Past Year thoughts: turning points and growth and Wow. What a difference a year makes. (What a difference a hell of a lot of reflection & determination make.) To you, beautiful reader, I wish the merriest. Love and Light as you put your finishing touches on 2010.

Can you keep a secret? Like, really keep it in your heart and share it with everyone?

2010-11-29T17:27:00.004-05:00

Hello, turkey eaters. How was it? Our feast was delicious and delightful. I sat at the kids' end of the table with no regrets. I got a few funny looks for enjoying my food so vocally. What can I say, little cousins, I love food! My contributions this year: butternut squash bread pudding and cauliflower gratin. Lord, have mercy. Oh, and this appetizer. Yum. (Thank you, Real Simple recipe writers, for your loyal provision of drool and occasional tears.) I was in Pennsylvania, by the way. Don't know if I mentioned that. We drove through the night each way, and each way, on my driving shift around 3:30/4:00 a.m., I saw a shooting star. That's two shooting stars in one week! And I think maybe it happens every night in that vast sky above us. Like those trees falling in the woods that nobody hears, stars are just shooting across the sky while we sleep! All these secret events in the universe, and sometimes we are lucky enough to witness them, to be let in on the secret. Ooh, check out these Rilke lines my friend sent me after the first shooting star:

Many a star awaited your gazing upon it to glimmer.
Many a wave lifted itself from the past to meet your seaside arrival.
You passed beneath an open window when a violin yielded itself to someone.
All this was a sacred trust. Did you rise to the call?
~ Rainer Maria Rilke

I visited my beloved Trexler Park at sunset. Geese were landing and the dark trees stood tall in front of the pink expanse. I visited my beloved aunt and cousins one afternoon, and the sun was sending the widest rays of light through the clouds down onto Pennsylvania pastures. I cry easily these days, when I see such things. I held back tears when the chiropractor showed me a model spine, for nature's sake. Last night I finished this book The Ingredients: A Guided Tour of the Elements by Philip Ball. A departure from the stuff I usually read, this science book fascinated me with facts about oxygen, hydrogen, and the power of stars. Elements are created in stars! Nucleosynthesis, people! Look into it. Don't tell me it's not worth crying for. I'd walk the wire for earth, water, wind and fire. You know it's true. And it's a sacred trust, for sure.

Thankslisting 2010

2010-11-18T09:02:00.007-05:00

This is positively one of my absolute favorite times every unpredictable, wonderfully full and briefly long year: when I get to make my official Thanksgiving list. I feel blown away, like a shimmery yellow leaf, when I think about these miraculously ordinary joyful blessings of amazing wonder and astounding grace. In no particular order, specific to this past year, I am thankful for:

An accomplished resolution to be aware of what I need and go after it.
Wise counsel.
So much synchronicity I could sink my teeth into it. (Sink your teeth into synchronicity!)
Two visits to New York City, one kidnapping to Baltimore, further enjoyment of Philadelphia, intimate moments with Joy at Trexler Park in Allentown, and a deeper connection to my community* in Marietta.
The ability to recover old memories, separating the treasures from the wreckage, and reclaiming parts of my Self.
Witnessing the divinely powerful birth of my healthy and always smiling niece, Virginia, in her home.
My transformed back yard.
Wild Women everywhere!
My journey through The Artist's Way and a pretty much completely changed perception of myself as a serious writer. Yes.
*Softball games, soccer games, school events, neighborhood parties, YMCA classes, farmers markets, art shows, date nights, family dinners.
Having a piano in our living room. (Using it to compose love songs to the man of my dreams.)
My dreams.
A Gratitude Journal upstairs on my bedside table, half full of lists of hundreds of things I have been thankful for this year, half full of space I will fill with hundreds more.

And as always, I'm thankful for you, faithful readers. May you roast your turkeys to perfection, mash potatoes with all your might, add just the right spices to your pumpkin pies, and be grateful for the holy love and pure joy surrounding you at every moment.

Dance Your Troubles Away

2010-11-15T12:58:00.003-05:00

Love this Digital Short. My favorite lines: "Get it together, guys. You're blowing it!" & "We're all just people."

(I posted the video here but it was blocked. Follow link to view on Hulu.)

Rx for November

2010-11-11T20:01:00.002-05:00

I found this in a magazine. It had my name on it, so I cut it out to paste into my journal.

Okay, so maybe I added that last part. Here's to your health and mine!

Songs!

2010-11-05T15:53:00.003-04:00

As my Next Step today, I have posted three of my newer songs onto MySpace. I may not know what I'm doing, but I'm doing it anyway. With confidence and conviction! These recordings could be better, but this is how they are right now. I share them openly.

Love and Light is a two-liner inspired by Richard from Texas in Eat, Pray, Love. He gives this advice in the book, but I wrote the song after seeing the film. I thought it was the most poignant moment of the otherwise lacking movie. I had a lot of fun recording this song.

I Will Know is a special one to me because it sums up my personal pscyho-spiritual journey over the past couple of years--losing my way and then finding it more authentically.

The Spring Will Come, well, it also sums up my personal psycho-spiritual journey! This one is just me and my guitar, no other instruments or effects.

Click on the link above, take a listen (they're better with headphones) and let me know what you think. Peace, friends.

Bad News First

2010-11-03T16:06:00.003-04:00

The bad news is I've been sick. The dreaded Stomach Bug. I seem to be on the up & up, in fact I just ate half of a PB&J sandwich. That's news to blog about! The better news to blog about is that I am now an official member of the Society for Children's Book Writers and Illustrators. As I've been working through The Artist's Way the past few months, it has become clearer to me how much I enjoy writing. I am writing almost every day, working on a couple different projects. Joining the SCBWI was the next practical step. More importantly, it was an investment in my self, a statement that I take my art seriously and believe in it. I've received some heart-warming affirmation from various people, and, well, I'm pret-ty darn excited about it all! And nervous. Stay tuned for news of my next practical step. Now to tend to my lil' one, not yet on the up & up.

A JudgMental Post

2010-10-29T10:00:00.003-04:00

Hello, Dreamers and Halloweeners. Will you be in costume this weekend? I hope you eat every miniature candy bar with absolute delight and bite size bliss. Now for an opinionated word revealing deep-seated feelings on the moral question of this holiday: Is there anything more offensive than the "Judgement Houses" that appear this time of year? If you've seen the signs around your town, as I have, Judgement House is not a really bad church name; it is an event, a "dramatic walk-through presentation about the truth of people's choices and their consequences both in this life and the next." It was originally designed as a Christian alternative to Halloween, managing to surpass the scary element of the holiday and take it to a whole new level of abusing people through fear. It's like an amped up, no holds barred horror production of the evangelical message. Churches spend as much as $15,000 and prepare months in advance to vividly scare people into trusting Jesus to redeem their evil hearts. I guess the Wordless Book isn't quite getting the message across anymore, though it certainly did the trick on me. I knew before I could form a complete sentence, let alone tell a lie, that my heart was dark with sin. Thank the Great Forces of Love, I have since seen the Light. This weekend most of us will be participating in cute costume wearing and innocent trick-or-treating, leaving visions of hell as an alternative. I'll be the one dressed as a Rainbow. [Gavel down.]

A Good Day

2010-10-25T15:20:00.003-04:00

Simply driving down the road today was a quieting experience of wonder and joy. The changing leaves and the rainy sky looked like a storybook scene or an imagined vision, but they were Real. Our earth is so completely amazing and I love, love, love it. I've got a roast slowly cooking in the Crock-Pot, potatoes to mash and cookies to bake. I need to dine early this evening, as I've got a date with the concession stand at the softball fields. I thought maybe the rain would delay my duty, but looks like I'll be pushing hot dogs and fries till dark. Stella's final game is tomorrow night, but she'll be on the bleachers cheering with us. Poor kid fell off a friend's trampoline and has to wear a bandage and sling. Ice and elevation should do the trick, plus lots of kisses and cuddles. While I'm on the subject of Stella, I might as well mention that she received a perfect report card for the first marking period and a rave review. Her teacher declared her brilliant and fabulous and awesome. I wholeheartedly agree. Now to bake those cookies...

The Kick-Ass Joy I Mentioned

2010-10-18T16:27:00.004-04:00

I spent a good portion of this past weekend sitting in a sacred circle with some powerful women, including my dear friend Carissa, who took this picture, and including author/Sufi mystic/founder of the DreamWeather Foundation, Anne Scott. It was the sort of experience I believed and hoped could happen, and there it was, happening. Anne spoke about the power of dreams to nourish and guide us. She shared some of her story and some of her dreams. We shared silence. Many of the women shared dreams and insights. We all shared peace, for sure. I was the youngest in the circle, with so much to learn. But already so much to be thankful for. (Wonder and Joy in droves!)

I Think I'm Done For Now, Plus a Line about Yoga

2010-10-15T09:15:00.000-04:00

Crying = Art?

Yes, I opened Photo Booth and took a picture of myself while crying. Ha! Earlier in the day, let's see...on Wednesday, I had the idea, knowing I'd probably cry later (again.) We're always sharing pictures of ourselves in our happiest moments. I thought it might be interesting to share one of my sadder moments. We have such a wide range of emotions, we humans, and I am learning to open myself to all of them, not just the "good" ones. A few months ago I started writing a song, a sort of mantra: Open to love (I've never known before), Open to joy (that's been here all along.) I knew that wasn't the end of the song, but I couldn't settle on lyrics further than that. Recently I discovered the rest: Open to sadness, Open to it all. Then there are some Ooo Ooo Ooos. It's actually quite pretty. (I'm not embarrassed, but actually happy, to be able to say that I love the songs I write. They are my creations, my babies, and I just finally realized, like yesterday, that I truly love them.) Anyway, the picture above is what I looked like a lot of last week. Sad, huh? Nothing "happened," by the way, except Life. (Life!) And it's only part of the story--not to be overlooked, but not to be overwhelming, to be considered but not to be the only consideration. I've got some kick-ass joy going on, too. In yoga we aim for strength, flexibility and balance through a full range of motions. In life we aim for strength, flexibility and balance through our full range of emotions. Ever mindful of, and thankful for, our breath. (Shall I end this with a token "Namaste"?) Namaste!

The Soul's Wise Expression

2010-10-10T17:02:00.005-04:00

I'm happy to inform you that Punky Bear received five or six bids at the Fall Festival and earned a respectable amount for the school. Stella won at the Cake Walk, and chocolate cake is a prize that keeps on prizing, for a few days anyway. I just ate a square. It was a piece of cake. I took a long nap today, like three hours. Maaan, that feels good. This here body and mind needed it. Now I'm powering up with some Joe before I go out to the soccer fields to watch some Joel. His team wears red. I like red. Have you noticed it's always a festival in the fall and a fling in the spring? What if you wanted to have a Fall Fling? I guess it's a gala in the winter. And summer? Summer vacation! There's always a reason to celebrate the season. I seem to be in some sort of crying season myself. First it was Monster's Inc. with Rosie the other morning. I forgot how that movie ended. Geez!
Then I cried watching the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother. Seriously, and not the first time with this show. What can I say? Then Glee. Who didn't cry at this week's episode*? I did not just shed tears for the screen, dear bleaders. For hearing news about an old friend, grieving personal losses, wrestling with my beliefs again and still and more deeply. Call me Niagara. Of course, I do not view this as a bad thing. Here's what CPE says about crying:

"There are times in a woman's life when she cries and cries and cries, and even though she has the succor and support of her loved ones, still and yet she cries... Tears are part of the mending of rips in the psyche where energy has leaked and leaked away. The matter is serious, but the worst does not occur--our light is not stolen--for tears make us conscious. There is no chance to go back to sleep when one is weeping... It is her soul that is making tears, and they are her protection. So she must keep on till the time of need is over... This will not last forever, only till the soul is done with its wise expression." (Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves)

There's always a reason to celebrate the season, even if it's a season of tears. I'm still awake!

Punky Bear

2010-10-02T21:13:00.007-04:00

October 2010. Hard to believe that one. Yet here it is with its cool air and falling leaves, jackets and long sleeve tees, afternoon mugs of tea. I fashioned my pumpkin for the fall festival. I'll get you a picture when I get the chance. It turned out just swell, and I even had fun making it. My eyes have been opened up to a whole new world of pumpkin decorating, and I admit my knife is craving more carving action. I'll settle for another creative project: helping Stella with her Benjamin Franklin diorama. My Mod Podge is a bit on the old side, but we'll make it work. We put the Ben Box outside to lose its gluey fumes. It's good kite-flying weather, so who knows what he'll discover while he's airing out. Okay, I got the chance:
Cute, eh? I call him Punky. We had some moments, Punky and I, before I dropped him off at school. So happy together...

Triumphs, For Sure

2010-09-29T10:10:00.002-04:00

It was foretold that I would experience some triumphs this past week. I'd say!

Camping under a Full Moon = Yes!

This close to beautiful orange butterfly = Score!

View from highest point in Great Smoky Mountains = Win!

Rainbow outside my house on Monday evening = Victory!

Can I get a High Five?! This week I'm supposed to act like a big oak tree, so we'll see how that goes. Peace.

Tee Hee

2010-09-25T21:46:00.009-04:00

People act like skulls and skeletons are so tough, but I don't think they have the muscle to prove it.

Something like that. Just a little joke I was working on. Here's another:

Q: What do you call it when Sigmund Freud slips on a banana peel?
A: Hilarious!

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here periodically. Usually once or twice a week. On a more serious note, F# maybe, think about this:

Every moment of the day is that much closer to your next cup of coffee.

(See? Not so tough.)

Into the Woods, Out of the Woods

2010-09-20T20:59:00.004-04:00

Today I killed a squirrel. I feel terrible about it. I thought it would dart out of the road. It didn't. One second he was chasing his squirrel buddy in the cool morning air, the next second thump and no more life. I saw him die in my rear view mirror, and I cried. Later another squirrel was on my back deck. He stopped and looked right at me. I asked him to send my deepest regrets to the fluffy-tailed community. Speaking of fluffy-tailed communities, we are getting ready to make a two-day home in the woods of North Carolina. It's technically still summer, but this week is Fall Break on our school calendar. So camping it shall be. We shall be camping when the season officially changes over, when the moon is full and day is equal to night. Did you know tomorrow is the International Day of Peace? Long live absolute world peace, man. Ring them bells. Ring them bells for the innocent and invisible, for the battlers and bystanders, for my old friend Nate Henn. It's a mad world, for sure. But hell if there's no tomorrow.

Pumpkins, God, and Estelle

2010-09-14T15:34:00.008-04:00

Bonjour, Pumpkins. I'm responsible for Stella's class pumpkin at the elementary school Fall Festival in a few weeks. Did I tell you I'm a Room Mom this year? I've been going into the classroom once or twice a week, monitoring phonics quizzes, weeding the garden with the kids, running the class store, that kind of thing. It's totally fun to be in a first grade classroom and to see my girl in educational action. She's a smart one. Got her first library card this week! Oh, how we love books. So, yes, a pumpkin. I've got a couple of good ideas. Great, actually, if I can pull one off. I was astounded by the images that appeared upon googling "Creative Pumpkin Decorations." Astounded. Try it, I dare you.

In other news, I do believe I experienced the Great Divine Powerful God Force of Energy this morning. At the Y. I could have bawled like a buddha for the pure joy of the moment. Talk about astounded, but then again, not surprised. Something about using all my energy, becoming totally fatigued, open to other energy? I felt filled and connected and colorful. Then I took Rosie to Chick-Fil-A.

I'm enjoying this song these days. Maybe you will too. It's a hot track, yeah.

I Live in My Truth

2010-09-09T08:08:00.007-04:00

I entered the Atlanta perimeter this week. It felt like entering a dream of a former life. Went out with my boy for brie and baguette and a bottle of red. 'Tis the season for bottles of red, with the cool air arriving and the equinox approaching. We had a blast and then drove back up here to the suburbs (though Marietta is technically a city too) where we blast Arcade Fire's new album in our minivan. Fitting. And rockin', obviously. I enjoy life in Marietta. I sat in the Square the other night by myself reading about Chakras and making voice notes on my phone while the train went by. Then I made a spectacle of myself shooing a big buzzing bug away from my face. Once, many dreams and lives ago in a much bigger city, I sat on a bench during my lunch break, in a small park on East 68th Street. One of the tiny begging birds (a sparrow?) hopped up onto my knee. I'd like to thank that bird now, here, publicly, because it was a moment I'll never forget. I'd also like to say now, here, publicly, that Sometimes I can't believe it: All that's happened in this wild, painful, beautiful life. City and suburbs alike.

3 Days!

2010-09-04T09:26:00.003-04:00

It's Saturday! And it's a long weekend. Welcome to it, and enjoy every minute. I've sipped my coffee already and written my morning pages. I'm feeling quite inspired actually. I stayed up late last night with GarageBand recording some music. I've got seven tracks going for this new song, including piano, drums and vocal harmony. New territory for me, exciting and new like the Love Boat. At this moment, I'm listening to Eddie Vedder on the Into the Wild soundtrack. Great soundtrack, great movie, great story. One song is called The Wolf, and it's just Vedder kind of howling. Beautiful. I saw him play once, at a Ralph Nader rally in Madison Square Garden. He sang Dylan's Times They Are A-Changin'. Then Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins led the crowd in this Power to the People chant. It was pret-ty pret-ty awesome. I won't tell you who I ended up voting for. Today my vote goes to Relaxation and Family Fun. Possibly some yard work, depending on the big hard sun and those g*@d!*?f-ing mosquitoes. Go away already. Talk about not picking up hints. Finally, my vote goes to you and your happiness. Today and toujours.

Be Your Beautiful Self

2010-08-31T08:07:00.004-04:00

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost." ~Martha Graham (dancer)

Type the words, sketch the image, make the call, cook the meal, dance the dance. Be your beautiful self. In three, two, one...

All Creatures

2010-08-24T15:22:00.007-04:00

This week I have encountered dozens of swooping bats, the largest (clicking) caterpillar I have ever seen, shiny blue lizards, a friendly hummingbird who visits our dining room window every night while we eat, at least eight wild turkeys grazing, and a massive hawk gliding across my front lawn as I brought in the groceries today. All this week! All in my neighborhood! Also, there was the cockroach who crawled across my leg in bed the other night, but I'd like to forget about that one. Joel and I went into Hunt Mode and tracked that f*er down till it was goo under our shoes. We totally high-fived with our respective gooey shoes. These are just the creatures I have seen. I did not see the snake this week, or the rabbits (just their poo), or whatever tall animal that's been nibbling my tomatoes. I know there are chipmunks and squirrels and cardinals and jays because I've seen them zillions of times before. I like to imagine all the creatures living in and around my yard in this little Georgia neighborhood coming out of their nests and dens and tunnels and trees to gather all at once, lining up in the street, tallest deer to smallest bug. Imagine the crowd! I picture the neighbors walking out their front doors, amazed, speechless. All these are living among us. In that moment, I believe there would be no choice but to dance.

(Incidentally, since I'm fantasizing here, while they are all gathered, I might take the opportunity, with all due honor and respect, using humor yet sternness, to strongly request they stay outside of my house, and under no circumstances climb into my bed.)

Nothing Ordinary About Routine

2010-08-16T20:39:00.005-04:00

I recently said Goodbye to my ponytail, Hello to my neck, to my ears even. It was a happy Hello, like greeting an old friend. It had been too long (my hair, literally). I also reunited with the YMCA after a summer apart. Some reunions are painful. Sweet though. I really like being back in my routine. My days now look like this: Sending the schoolers off, coffee and Morning Pages (writing at least 3 pages of Whatever as part of a disciplined program--The Artist's Way--to get in touch with my creativity, since creativity doesn't have a cell phone and spends a lot of time lost in the woods), concentrated Rosie teaching time, updating spreadsheet for money, YMCA, lunch, picking up Stella, updating spreadsheet again for more money (Will Excel for Food!), chillin' with the girls /slash/ doing homemaker type stuff, cooking dinner with Rosie as sous chef, goofing off with the family, quality time with the boy. My nights look like this: eyelids, darkness, unusual toilets, intense interaction with random people from various phases of my life, occasional breathing under water, annoying beeping sound. It's a good routine. On the weekends it's whatever we want to do. This past I saw Eat, Pray, Love with my mom and sis. You can guess how it was. Julia Roberts might say she's whoever you want her to be, but at the end of the day she's always Vivian Ward. Great scene with parmesan cheese, though. Sunday I explored some new trails with my running shoes, found a lake and met some birds. It was as spiritual an experience as you can get, Taking the Long Way with Po' Girl; and just when I thought I was hopelessly lost, discovering I was precisely where I wanted to be: the homestretch. I'll call that the finish line for now. Peace.

A (Brighter )New World

2010-08-14T10:22:00.005-04:00

When I picked up Stella from school the other day, she told me she thinks there should be a New World. In the New World, blue would be turquoise, and green would be the same but brighter green. In fact, all the colors would be brighter. Roads would be black, never fading to gray. Trees would look the way we draw them, like puffy circles, and conifers would look like triangles. When snow falls on them, it would stick only on the tips. Half of the trees would have swings, and half would be for climbing. There would be no trash on the ground because people would throw it away. Nobody would be mean. The stars would always be shining.

Today we will register Stella for a community softball team. She eagerly asked if she'll get a uniform. This reminded Rosie of the costumes in her closet, and she shouted, "I want to wear my unicorn!" (You've seen this costume before.) I do believe that in the brighter new world, girls will play softball dressed as unicorns. The field will be shaped like a heart, and every fly ball will flash a rainbow as it falls.

[Come 11:11 or first shining star, I know what my wish will be.]

Wolf Parade, Anyone?

2010-08-12T08:11:00.005-04:00

I spent an entire year reading Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Cover to cover. I finished on Sunday. I felt like there should be a parade or a party, but the house kept on being quiet. (Quiet except for the Howl in my heart!) It's hard to know what to do when something significant comes to an end. I just put this away on a shelf? Well, yes, for now, knowing full well this is not the kind of book that is ever just on a shelf. Quite a book for quite a year, and the synchronicity! It truly helped me bring my soul out of hiding, helped me dig my way through murky depression and into vivid Joy. That was hard work. No one will ever know how hard I have worked, just like no one will ever know your journey. I'm always struck by how we are each alone, yet all connected. The following is kind of a stupid understatement: I wholeheartedly recommend the Wolf Book to any woman who wants to know herSelf deeply and truly. Heads up, you will need some supplies for this particular journey: Naked honesty, Stamina, Tenderness, Sweetness, Ventilation of Rage, and Humor. Combined, these make a song that calls the soul back home.

Guess Who's Not Coming for Dinner?

2010-08-10T07:37:00.003-04:00

I think I stumbled upon a suburban equivalent of people clipping their toenails on the subway. Not quite as bad, but still, really? Saturday evening on the way to my parents' house, I ran into Publix to pick up a salad to eat with Mom's delicious homemade pizza. We're talking fresh-from-the-farm mozzarella, eggplant, garlic, basil deliciousness. I had an amazing massage that morning, followed by a three hour nap, so I was feeling happy and relaxed. Boston Bibb in hand, I was making my way out of the produce department when something caught my eye. I have always enjoyed seeing what other people buy at the grocery store. It's true, the cashier is not the only person checking out your groceries in line. And on the occasion that someone drops his or her grocery list for me to find, I peruse it. I play Name that Recipe or Guess What's Cooking for Dinner? using my best Katharine Hepburn voice. So, on Saturday, when I saw a stray list sitting atop some produce, I took a look. Tomatoes, Onion, Hass avocados, etcetera, dot dot dot, skimming the list of mostly vegetables, and the last item: Toenail Clippers. Geez! What, is this shopper planning to put toenails in her tacos? [Thanks for the image, man, and good thing you wrote down Hass avocados, wouldn't want the non-Hass variety. You dropped your disgusting list.] Some things are better left as mental notes. Or maybe I should mind my own consumer habits (and pet peeves.)

Pencils & Books & Dirty Looks

2010-08-04T21:12:00.003-04:00

Holy heat index, it's hot here. You could crack an egg on your driveway and make, well, a mess, but you'd be really hot because you are outside in your driveway instead of sitting on a padded bench in the free toddler play area of your local air-conditioned mall. Despite the burning summer temperatures, the Georgian authorities have deemed it a good time to go back to school. At least the kids will keep cool, naming their nouns and verbs and class pets indoors. We are excited here in our household, in the house that holds us. We had a really nice summer. It didn't end with a trip to Portland, but it had that feeling throughout. And now we're all giggles and butterflies, sharpening pencils and laying out clothes. "It's more than Christmas or birthdays!" Stella exclaimed as I tucked her in bed. First grade, man. That's big time. Rosie will start preschool here at home with me, at the Dora desk in her room. She's just as excited as Stella. Joel begins his seventh year teaching orchestra. That's a lucky number if you ask me. Lucky if you don't ask me too, and I think it's going to be his best year yet. As for this blogger, I've got the back-2-school gleam in my eye, making fresh lists in my desk planner: To Do, To Organize, To Cook, To Stare at and Love. Happy New (School) Year, everyone.

In Dreams (We feel it all.)

2010-07-27T20:37:00.002-04:00

Last night in my dream I dove off a tall ship straight down into the ocean. The pressure hit me right away and I needed to breathe. Instinctively, I inhaled. Surprised but not surprised, I swam deeper.

My body, awake, will (probably) never breathe under water. But I know what it feels like. And isn't that the point?

Maybe you are one who dreams of flying, or you transform into another creature. Despite what we cannot do in the day, our bodies have great knowing.

In dreams, anything is possible. Everything is possible. We feel it all.